Now that we have all settled into our new (or not-so-new) lives of endless days online, cereal for every meal, and greasy hair, we can start ruminating on all the things we are missing out on while under quarantine. 

That’s right, I’m talking about dating. (Obviously, that was super clear based on my intro sentence. WRT105 taught me well.) Those who have significant others are either separated Romeo-and-Juliet-style, or are quarantined together, which is a nightmarish scenario for another article. 

And those without an s/o are still questioning everything and living Tinder-message-to-Tinder-message.

But I have taken the liberty of once again putting off my homework to help my peers. You’re welcome. Here is a list of wonderful date ideas you can try during quarantine:

  • Get to really know that person you’re sending snapchats of your ceiling to. Invite them on a Skype date (because there’s a 73% chance they don’t use an iPhone) and use the opportunity to tell them all about your childhood trauma. Who doesn’t want to hear about the painful past revisited during a deadly global pandemic? They will love it, I promise.
  • Movie night! Ask your crush what their favorite movie is. If they’re a cis white male, the options are either “21 Jump Street” or “Fight Club,” but they’ll settle for “Friends” (lucky you). If you want to spice things up, get your date to watch Fight Club for White Women.” At the film’s climax say to them, “But I would NEVER have to do that with you, right?”
  • An alternative to the movie route: Offer to set up Netflix Party, and then don’t actually agree on what to watch until you both realize it’s kinda late and you should get to bed. Gotta wake up early for that 3 p.m. Zoom class! 
  • Talk for four hours straight on FaceTime.
  • Talk for four hours straight on Zoom, with virtual backgrounds. Bonus points if your date starts talking in front of a still from “Family Guy.”
  • Give up trying and live life as a hermitted bread baker with four pet worms. (Out of all the options listed here, this is the correct choice.)


Your vibes based on your Insomnia Cookie choice

Everyone loves a late night Insomnia delivery, and the sweet sensation that comes with biting into a gooey cookie at 1 am, but not all cookie choices are created equal. 

The boys need a new WilCo bathroom

Women get a nice, triangular bathroom in Wilson Commons to take mirror selfies in. Men do not have such a glamorous sanctuary.

To all the Uber drivers I’ve loved before <3

From the April Fools section: Here’s to you, boys. Thank you for serving our streets and for bringing a light to my life. I will never forget you.