I now have been the Sports Editor at the Campus Times for nearly a semester. Normally my duties include watching sports, talking to people who play sports, and writing about sports. Unfortunately, there are currently no sports being played to write about, so I’ve had to find other ways to fill my time.

Cockroach racing
If you had Hotwheels when you were a kid, you’ll love this! Simply place two to four cockroaches on a track and put food at the other end. If you want to get fancy you can broadcast this online and take bets — people are probably bored enough to join in.

Drinking in front of your parents
Now that you’re in college, your parents let you drink at the house. But how much can you drink before they question it? A beer is certainly fine, but what if you take a shot? Can you use a beer bong? What about slap cup? Molly water? How far will your daring spirit take you?

Beyblades
Remember these? Bring back your childhood by pitting these spinning finger traps against each other. Be prepared to get your fingers cut a little by accident because you taped razor blades to them. Keep away from family pets. 

Competitive disease spreading
Did you catch coronavirus? How many people can you spread it to? Winner gets to call themselves Coronavirus Mary!

Working out
While you can’t go to the gym, there’s a lot to be said for working out in your garage. Going for a run is a good way to convince people that you’re a bank robber (Remember to cover your face with a mask and wear a suspicious coat!)

Shootin’
Since gun stores are considered essential, now is the perfect time to buy yourself a gun. Then, simply go out into the middle of nowhere and start shooting random shit. You should probably make sure there’s no one else there, but y’know, accidents happen.



D-Day balloons hijacked by pirate ghost

According to historical records found in a deep, nearly forgotten corner of Rush Rhees Library, Captain Sykes was ridiculed by his piratical peers for choosing to ply fresh waters.

Professor Greg Savich steers campus towards herd immunity with free rides

Savich took time out of his class period to share with his students all the necessary information for vaccination sites and sign-ups, should they choose to receive the shot. Embedded in this discussion was his offer to personally drive students to their vaccines if they need a ride.

Email from admin: Students must get positive COVID-19 test for the fall

In order to accommodate these students, we have decided to lock you all into Strong Auditorium and pump infected air through the vents.