Hi! I’m Nix, the demon girl who lives by that super hot spot in the tunnels. Everyone thinks I’m the Devil, but they’re wrong — I’m just your everyday college demon girl who’s here to study every subject her heart desires. I write because being the only demon girl on campus is a little lonely, but I have a lot of fun experiences I want to share!
The past month has been rough for many of us. First we failed our midterms. Then school kicked us off campus. Now we’re all in a coronavirus quarantine.
It’s so bad, I’ve heard a lot of people describing the situation as “hell.” Sorry friends, Hell is much worse. I know because I’m there now, recovering from a “mild” case of COVID-19. Yes, we have COVID-19 here, too.
How did I end up having to return to Hell? Well, the form students were supposed to use to request permission to stay on campus had a glaring omission: my room in the tunnels. So when I tried to ask for permission to stay (albeit with a mild case of the sniffles), I was told to go to Hell. Never has a phrase cut so deep for me.
So I returned to Hell and immediately was confronted by two demons in protective gear, who tested me for COVID-19. The results were positive, so off to the Hellspital for me.
Having COVID pisses off the Big Boss, who is not big on working remotely. The good news is I got it in the Human Realm. At least Hell’s health care policy ensures they will hold the person who got me sick accountable. That means you, Jim from the Times Square Starbucks. Don’t think I didn’t see you have a coughing fit preparing my latte. Welcome to Hell’s Most Wanted List. With both climate change and corona on your tail, I’ll see you down here in seven days or 70 years, you shit.
More good news: Doctors here are experts in treating demons, and they’ve been around since at least the Plague. We also have competent leadership, so our borders are closed to anything with a body. Fortunately, souls cannot transmit or contract coronavirus, so we can just let them through (looking at you, Jim).
I wish I could say I’m doing ok, but this cough is killing me, and I’ve started to regret complaining about getting the flu in February. That was not Hell. This is true Hell: realizing that you’re Hell’s patient zero so your name is plastered all over the news. It’s all Hell.
But all things considered, I’m lucky. Had I stayed in Rochester, I also wouldn’t have the chance to see my two cute little hellhounds at home, Blood Sucking Freak and Zuul. And I got to bring Zoom to Hell! Not sure why we didn’t have it here before. It seems like just the thing we’d invent down here.