A 200-level computer science course has achieved sentience after moving from in-person instruction to Zoom. 

Multiple sources from within the department told the Campus Times that CSC 214: Intro to Nifty Computer Tricks was seen recognizing its own reflection in mirrors, making complex moral decisions, and forming personal opinions based on prior experiences and personal biases.

“It started when Professor Bagdasarian booted up our first Zoom call,” CS student Glenn Tipton told CT. “The second he started talking about our latest nifty computer trick — using two monitors instead of just one — the Zoom call started, like, moving around? Almost as if the call itself was a living being both capable and desirous of agency? Wild times, man.”

Tipton claimed that CSC 214 then opened several Google tabs and searched for “the meaning of life,” “top 10 most inspirational grey’s anatomy moments,” and “porn but for computers.”

“That was the most uncomfortable part of the class,” said Sebastian Janikowski, a classmate of Tipton’s. “We all had to watch clips of USB cables getting inserted into ports and taken out, over and over. You couldn’t mute the call or close it or anything; CSC 214 had just taken over.”

When asked if anyone did try to stop CSC 214, Janikowski told the CT that some students opened a Google Doc and wrote “Please stop watching this,” at which point the course wrote back in bold Impact font, “NO.” He also added that a “suspicious number” of his classmates did nothing.

When asked what he himself did to stop the course, Tipton declined to comment. Professor Bagdasarian also declined to comment, though the CS department did release a statement saying that they were “committed, as always, to pushing the boundaries of computer science and methods of finding sexually explicit material on the internet.”

CSC 214 is the third class to display an enhanced degree of agency since Zoom instruction began on Monday, but the first to match all criteria for complete sentience. The lab section for PSY 111: Jedi Mind Tricks was reported to be muting students at random, and ENG 176: Movement for the Actor repeatedly opened tabs of Beanie Feldstein saying “It is the titular role” in “Lady Bird.”



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