In a statement released in conjunction with Public Safety, the UR Medical Emergency Response Team (MERT) has reported seeing a 690% increase in penis and penis-related injuries on Feb. 14. According to the statement, this spike in reported incidents left the MERT team “stretched thin and girthless.”
“While MERT members pride themselves on their adaptability, we’re used to working only one kind of job,” MERT coordinator Dick Smalling told the Campus Times. “It’s usually drunk kids 24/7. Now, there’s admittedly a lot of variety within that kind of incident. Is this a first-year, who’s never even seen alcohol, flying off the handle because their parents aren’t there to remind them that Jesus sees all and judges harshly? Is this someone who thinks MERT are cops and might jump into the Genesee at the first sign of a blue fleece jacket? Is this a frat bro who needs to be hospitalized before he gets away with another Title IX offense? These are all different scenarios requiring different responses.”
But Smalling admitted that even the most seasoned MERT members found themselves struggling to rise to the occasion this Valentine’s Day.
“We got so many calls,” he told the CT wearily, “one from almost every dorm. Even the Computer Interest Floor! We actually had someone trying (and failing) to fuck someone else — not a sex robot this time, an actual human — on the Computer Interest Floor!”
According to MERT’s statement, the causes of reported injuries could be split into two main camps: “accompanied” and “solo.”
“We saw slightly more ‘accompanied’ injuries, I’d say,” Smalling said. “I guess that the ‘accompanied’ folks were actually kind of proud of their wounds. They wanted to show them off.”
At this point in the interview, as if to prove Smalling’s point, a student rose up behind him in back of the MERT van and attempted to show this reporter “the dick that would have pulled off the no-hands reverse anal, if it weren’t for you meddling kids!”
The mood was decidedly more somber in a private wing of Strong Memorial Hospital, where more serious solo cases were recuperating away from prying eyes.
“I’ll be upfront — my injury involved a toaster,” said one student speaking under anonymity. “I just wanted something warm, y’know? Some warm, safe harbor for my seed. Is that so strange? Is that in any way related to why no human being wants to fuck me? Because when I come on to them, I use words like ‘seed?’”
This reporter was then ushered out of the private wing by staff, who claimed it medically imperative that the private wing denizens not get “too worked up.”
As of press time, MERT claimed that all reported injuries were responded to and treated, though Smalling still worries that some students have slipped through the cracks.
“The scary thing? We didn’t receive a single call from the Anime Interest Floor,” Smalling told the CT, before turning to Wilder and shuddering. “I just know that somewhere, way up there, something sinister is on the rise. And it may never, ever stop rising.”