I’ve started headbutting my friends as a form of greeting, and I think you should, too. 

Consider this: You’re walking past the Art & Music Library, and you see a friend crossing from Wilson Commons to Meliora Hall. They’re probably going to sit in a windowless basement and play color matching games with electrodes attached to their head, but that isn’t important right now. 

When you say hi, they ignore you. They have headphones on. Undeterred, you approach at a brisk pace and lower your head. With a moderate amount of force, you bump your head into their lower shoulder. 

There are four primary reactions to this sort of greeting. 

First, confusion. People do not headbutt each other frequently, and when they do, it is rarely friendly. Make sure your body language is relaxed and approachable, so your friend will understand your intentions. The tension between a normally aggressive action and the friendly body language will likely leave people speechless (in a what-the-fuck way, not a how-dare-you kind of way).

The next possible response is amusement. People often don’t know how to respond to an unexpected headbutt, but such strange behavior is objectively amusing to some. You might occasionally get a small chuckle, probably the best outcome.

Another response is mild annoyance. Receiving a headbutt is weird and slightly unpleasant. Many people do not like it. They will likely say something along the lines of, “Why the fuck would you do that?” or “Don’t fucking headbutt me, you weirdo!” If they say this, probably don’t headbutt them anymore.

Finally, you might headbutt the wrong person. This will likely not go over well. They may fly into a blind rage and attack you. If you headbutt the wrong person, do not try to calm them down — flee. Headbutting random strangers is generally regarded as aggressive and provoking a fight, and I do not recommend this. If you’re the type of person who jokingly headbutts your friends, you probably don’t get in many fights. But if you are for whatever reason unable to flee, I recommend using a second, more aggressive headbutt as described here.

For those with no qualms about making an absolute fool out of themselves in public, I can definitely recommend a friendly headbutt.

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