It has come to the attention of the Campus Times Humor section that UR students are showing signs of devolution. All around campus there are students who suddenly have forgotten how to boil water, or that they are allowed to love themselves and take the MTH 140 series instead of the MTH 160 series. Possible reasons for this distressing phenomenon abound, with the most likely cause being the bad air of winter descending over Rochester (CT is officially a miasma theory publication).
We can’t stop the spread of noxious air, but we CAN make sure that UR students retain the basic life skills they will need when they leave UR and move back in with their parents move on to the real world. Therefore, CT is proud to announce the first installment in a new life skills series: how to eat food!
Step 1. Decide whether or not you want to eat food.
Ask yourself a simple question: “Do I want to eat food, or do I want to see the animals?” If the answer is “eat food,” then eat some food. If the answer is “see the animals,” go to the zoo. If the answer is “both,” go to the zoo and buy food from one of the vendors.
Step 2. Move to a place where it is safe to eat food.
Are you lying face down in the middle of the street with your headphones on again? If so, consider moving to the sidewalk before consuming any food — a dropped banana peel in the street may seem comical, but it can cause a fatal car crash if driven over. It’s always important to be responsible with your food consumption!
Step 3. Find something you can feasibly eat.
You may think that because you can put anything in your mouth, you should be able to eat anything you want. And you’d be mostly right! There are, however, some criteria to keep in mind. Is the thing you want to eat moving? If so, it may be alive or a car, and therefore very difficult to catch and eat. Try eating something stationary first, and then graduate to moving targets later. Additionally, it’s good to remember that human teeth, despite feeling like very small rocks when you touch them with your tongue, are actually not as strong as most rocks. Try to avoid eating most rocks.
Step 4. Figure out where your mouth is.
Generally, the human mouth is located below the nose and above the chin. If you have problems locating your mouth, practice by poking yourself in the face until you find something warm and wet that gets bigger and smaller as you speak. Chances are, that’s your mouth!
Step 5. Start moving your jaw up and down to break your food into smaller pieces.
This technique is called “chewing.”
Step 6. Swallow the little food pieces.
Now for the tricky part! With the small food pieces still in your mouth, think to yourself, “I am going to breathe but with my throat and guts instead of my lungs.” Then just do that! IMPORTANT: If you are attempting to swallow food for the first time, have trained medical personnel on hand to perform the Heimlich in the event that you swallow food incorrectly and choke. Don’t be shy about reaching out to medical professionals at the UR Med Center or UHS — they’re here to help!
Step 7. Repeat several times a day until eventually you die.
There you go! As the professionals say, happy chewing!