The Hajim School of Engineering has announced plans for a career expo where students will be able to interface and interview with representatives of some of the world’s largest and most merciless defense contractors. The expo, set to be held on Thursday, Feb. 13, is called “Proxy Wars and You: New and Exciting Opportunities for Misery and Death in the Middle East … and Beyond!”
“We hope our students will take this unique opportunity to get in on the ground floor of absolutely unmitigated slaughter,” a UR Career Center representative told the Campus Times. “Shilling for the most overpowered and malevolent colonialist force in history is a rewarding career that can last a lifetime.”
Set to run from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m., the expo will feature representatives from Lockheed Martin, Boeing, and Northrop Grunman with whom students are encouraged to exchange résumés and blood-stained handshakes.
“I love these job fairs, love their energy,” one representative told CT. “It’s so wild. Every kid comes up and is worried about graduating, worried about going out into the world, worried about the lack of a safety net out there. I always tell them, ‘Hey, the government might not care too much about poor peop — I mean, less productive members of society, but they’ll straight-up shower you in cash if you become their merchant of death.’ Kids really respond to that kind of logic!”
A poll among potential attendees revealed that few UR students had qualms about joining the military-industrial complex, with more than one student identifying Boeing as “the pretty airplane company.”
“I thought about the military a bit when I was in high school,” said UR senior Glynn Braff. “I played a lot of COD, thought the shooting and stuff was cool. But then I, like, realized? That other people would be, like, shooting at me in that scenario? And I didn’t like that? But still, I fostered an unstoppable desire to kill.”
Braff then shrugged and told CT that designing attack helicopters seemed like a “safer, less PTSD-troubled alternative.”
When asked about the responsibility of the University for suffering abroad and the morality of funneling entire generations of students into an industry meant to maximize the absolute worst impulses of both capitalism and militarism while also reaffirming the United States’ position as a global tyrant, a University representative replied, “No comment.”
Non-engineering students can look forward to future expos, which will include “Rejected Transplant: The CS Major’s Guide to Throwing Homeless People Out of the Mission and Off of the Golden Gate Bridge” and a free half-hour continental breakfast for all UR Humanities majors.