Citing a variety of factors including an overload of schoolwork, a lack of clean clothes, and low societal standards, a UR student has announced he will wear the same blue and white striped dress shirt to three different formals this weekend. 

Sophomore Nathan LaGuardia-Karsh said he came to this decision after absolutely no soul-searching or consideration.

“I just kind of rolled out of my nest of unwashed comforters and Moe’s wrappers 15 minutes before the first pregame of the first Formal – College Republicans, naturally – and realized that my laundry pile had started to bleed into my bed-nest,” LaGuardia-Karsh told the Campus Times. “I’m thinking, ‘Oh geez, there’s no way I’m gonna be able to get away with wearing my official Ill-Advised Native American Headdress outfit from Halloween, College Republicans is WAY too classy for that to fly,’ and then there it was, nestled between two socks with little marijuanas stitched on them and a sweatshirt with a nebula design: the nice blue and white button down that my hot stepmom Anna got me for Christmas last year!”

LaGuardia-Karsh reports he then pulled the garment on and stumbled into his Kendrick Hall bathroom, where he admired himself for several minutes in a mirror mostly covered in dried toothpaste globs.

“The lack of a tie bothered me at first,” LaGuardia-Karsh said, “and honestly, that’s kind of on me. A guy in the Frisbee Fellas group chat messaged all of us last week and said he had extra ties for anyone who needed to class things up a bit for formal season. But I was super busy with putting off my lab reports and final projects, and also I have a paralyzing fear of ever asking another man for help with anything, so I just never replied. Eventually I realized that my tight as fuck shirt would make any borrowed tie a distraction from my aesthetic.”

When asked what his aesthetic was, LaGuardia-Karsh answered: “ Morning Mist.”

LaGuardia-Karsh then left Kendrick Hall and met his date at her suite in Wilder, where he claims she was left “speechless” by his fashion choices.

“What can I say?” LaGuardia-Karsh told CT, “ladies like a man who’ll dress up for them. That’s the power of Morning Mist, man — it’s bold but versatile. At this point, it’s not even like I’m getting away with anything by wearing the same shirt to three different parties — it’s more like I’m letting even more people experience the shirt.”

LaGuardia-Karsh’s date, who would only speak with CT under the condition of complete and eternal anonymity, said she spent over two weeks planning and four hours actually preparing for each of her four Formals.

The UR College Republicans, delighted to receive a non-Tibet related piece of correspondence, confirmed to CT that LaGuardia-Karsh attended their formal, that they “valued both his and his date’s attendance,” and that his “less than stellar” attire decisions were “of less importance than drawing in women to bone on Saturday and debate the reproductive rights of on Sunday.”  



Promising proposals from SA presidential platforms

Though many initiatives can and should be completed in a term, we’re highlighting one policy we find promising and feasible from each ticket.

‘Contagion’ sweeps all other pandemic movies

Right now, everybody’s watching “Contagion.”

Academic integrity meets the Coronavirus

For many students, academic honesty is a phrase only encountered on the statement they have to copy before every exam.…