This week, two of the Humor section’s three articles are about feet. In honor of this completely unplanned phenomenon, we are proud to present CT Feet. Don’t think about it too much.

Hey, you!

Yes, you.

Is the financial stress of university life getting you down? Have you, like so many hardworking students, felt the shame of being swiped through at the Pit only to be told that you have no declining balance? Have your fashion choices, use of illegal narcotics, or crippling Magic: The Gathering addiction cut into your ability to eat, buy your textbooks, or bathe yourself?

That 2.26 billion dollar endowment makes itself pretty scarce when students need financial aid, right?

You’re not alone. And I’m here to share with you, for free, the solution. 

Kidnap someone! 

Kidnapping (or as we say in the industry, “assisted vacation”) can be an exciting new way to shore up that budget — and maybe you’ll make some friends along the way.

Like any good businessperson knows, it takes money to make money, and no one’s ever gotten ahead without taking risks. You have to provide food for your new associate, survive dangerous police standoffs (will 12 ever understand the struggles of ordinary students?), and always haggle at least a little bit before accepting a ransom offer. You need to be truly sharp, one of those business-minded best and brightest among us, to pull something like assisted vacation off. I know that could be you! And if you stress someone out or skirt the more frayed edges of the law a little along the way, so what? You can’t let people who don’t understand that you’re just winning at the game of life get you down. That’s capitalism, baby!

College students (just like you!) are ideal targets. After all — and this is to all the parents out there — you’re already paying up to $74,124 not to see your child for a year anyway, so why not satisfy a ransom for that much and get a tearful reunion out of it, too? Plus, at least your kid’s spending time in the basement of a dedicated entrepreneur, not (God forbid) a fraternity or a girlfriend’s house. You really should be grateful. 

But you can’t go into the industry with any shmo off Joseph C. Wilson Boulevard. I recommend a rigorous data-gathering process for your prospects. Don’t be afraid to learn their schedules, know the places they frequent, and try to get a sense of the net worth you’re dealing with. Before your potential associate knows it, they’ll be swept up into what could be the biggest business opportunity of your life, and you have to make sure they’re worth the investment. 

So what if things go wrong? Say your new friend isn’t a cooperative team member, or asks for more food or amenities than your little do-it-yourself Airbnb has the budget to provide. Don’t fret! Here’s where your insurance policy comes in.

Their kicks! Make sure that your business partner’s sneakers are only the finest, and you’ll be able to re-sell them and make a couple hundred bucks no matter what. Unexpected departures are unlikely, but it’s always good to keep your bottom line in mind. That sneaker money can be your workplace meal plan, so if your office-mate complains about being hungry, you know it’s really their fault. Never blame the boss! Plus, it’s hard to run from the law without shoes.

Tagged: CT Feet


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The inability of the administration and student government to condemn censorship is deeply regrettable.

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