Every student across campus fell silent last Friday, save for a lone Meridian telling their tour group why they shouldn’t walk under the clock tower. This sight itself was not what shocked the student body, but how it was done: this Meridian was walking forward.

“I didn’t know they could do that, I thought it was in their DNA to walk backwards,” said Georgia Clemons, a first-year whose dorm is one of this year’s official sample rooms. “I finally saw that Meridian’s face for the first time. When they enter my room, I usually just see their back. I didn’t even know they wore glasses!”

“This is a total game-changer,” said Kim Crosby, one of the many people in charge of the Meridian division. “We spent countless years and thousands of dollars on research and development perfecting the backwards walking method. The first few versions of the Meridian struggled and flailed piteously. They looked like baby gazelles. We spent a few years after that trying out new things like having them walk sideways, or having a stationary tour guide at various locations like theme park information posts. I don’t know why we never tried forward, it seems obvious in hindsight.” 

When asked about how quickly the Meridians adjusted, Crosby replied, “It is truly amazing! I didn’t know they had it in them! I wish they would learn other things this quickly and stop spreading rumors about New York State brothel laws.” Crosby then turned to a nearby Meridian: “Looking at you, Kristen!”

It’s taken a while to get used to, but both the Meridians and student body seem to be adjusting. At time of publication, only a handful of tour guides still had trouble with running into things, largely because the eyes in the backs of their heads had yet to move back around front.

Tagged: Meridians Walking


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Hard work can’t beat talent… or can it?

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Comic: UR sus

Failure to complete tasks results in expulsion from this school.