There is a conspiracy of gargantuan proportions afoot. Students, faculty, and even CDCS have made reference to a supposed building known as “Harkness Hall.” 

The building is ostensibly located near Meliora Hall, between Gavett Hall and a parked Public Safety vehicle. The current conspiracy is part of a successful effort to boost UR’s rank into the top 30 schools. This, in turn, allows the administration to raise tuition prices to a value equal to that of several dozen cattle, a few hundred new ID cards, or eight chicken wings after 9 p.m. at the Pit. 

The conspiracy has been in place since 1946, when a fake building was erected to hide Susan B. Anthony’s real grave. At the time, Frederick Douglass wrote, “It would have been much too dangerous for the school and the world at large for her final resting place to be publicly known.” Anthony’s remains have since been moved to a government facility staffed by “Top. Men.”

There are now “classes” hosted in the building on a regular basis. Harkness Hall houses the University’s Civil Engineering Program, Underwater Basket Weaving, Facts and Logic Club, and the T. Florian Jaeger Cult of Personality. These classes expand the course offerings of the University, and therefore its ranking, but do not actually exist. This means that UR can redirect the funds earmarked for instructor salaries and building maintenance to constructing sky-bridges between the different wings of Sue B. and providing firearms (but not training) for Public Safety Officers. 

When questioned about the existence and purpose of the building, University President Sarah Manglesdorf tweeted, “Harkness Hall is 100% real. FAKE NEWS accusations want to drag me down! Our comunity is better than that! SAD!” Administration officials later admitted in closed hearings that Harkness Hall was, in fact, fake. Those meetings also revealed that Mandglesdorf had requested that Case Western Reserve University interfere with SA elections at UR.

Wake up people! Quad Fox is a robot made by the University to distract you from its misdeeds. The construction on UHS is an excuse to spy on Sue B. residents. The clock tower hides a magical portal to a mythical land called Canada. The bells from Rush Rhees emit a frequency that takes over your mind. 

Harkness Hall isn’t real.

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