In a stunning upset, Better CDCS has been voted “2019’s Sexiest Browser Extension Alive,” beating out perennial favorites Adblock, Grammarly, and Google Translate.

As an admittedly niche extension with use limited almost entirely to UR students, Better CDCS was viewed as a major underdog going into this year’s competition, which is organized each year by “Wired” as a part of their “You Don’t Have to Be an Incel” sex ed campaign. But some feel that Better CDCS was always ready to punch above its weight.

“Some things are just universal, and in matters of desire, that is no different,” Better CDCS campaign manager and social media coordinator Edgar Smith-Watermelon said. “You light a few candles, run a bath, put on Coltrane, and start fantasizing about a balanced schedule. Your hands get a mind of their own when you start thinking of 9 a.m.s, 5:45 p.m.s, two-hour recitations, Fridays off, maybe one ‘fun class’ … I’m telling you, we’ve all done it.”

“On the other hand,” he said, “There’s the classic quickie: furiously checking to see what Anthro classes are being offered at 2 a.m. in a vain attempt to spice up your life with a potential new academic fling, without regard for how loud you’re being. We’ve all done that too.”

The victory has been a source of pride for Better CDCS creator Jon Jones-Drew, who in a press conference highlighted how Better CDCS “didn’t need to resort to unsavory tactics — running racy ads boasting local singles in a user’s area, for instance — to come out on top.” Both Adblock and Google Translate began inserting such ads in the week leading up to the final vote.

UR students, though surprised about the vote’s outcome, seem to agree that Better CDCS is truly the most drop-dead gorgeous browser extension currently living.

“It’s a little surprising, but that’s just disruption at work; that’s how tech moves,” junior and computer science major Glenn Glenn-Glenn said. “Like, consider the color scheme. All those blocks of bright, highly saturated color really get me going, you know? It’s like with McDonalds having red and yellow everywhere because those colors are proven to make people hungry. Better CDCS is that but for sex. What I’m trying to say is that I’m very excited for lifelike sex robots.”

One student, who spoke on conditions of anonymity due to unrelated Mafia connections, feels the victory had everything to do with the sensation of control.

“College is a very precarious moment in your life,” the student said, “Course registration for the spring semester is coming up soon, of course, and a lot of people are stressed about it: whether they’ll be able to build a schedule that allows for sleep, whether they’ll be able to enroll in courses that both satisfy requirements and don’t lead to clinical depression, etc. To have someone like Better CDCS holding your hand, taking control, telling you everything will be fine — it’s just kind of hot, you know?”

When asked for comment on its victory, Better CDCS claimed that by being recognized as the sexiest browser extension “alive,” it is now entitled to all of the rights of a U.S. citizen, and as such, plans on mounting a Democratic party primary campaign.                    



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