A1: You wake up to a glorious, balmy Rochester spring day (only one nor’easter scheduled to tear through this afternoon!) What do you do first?
Drink, of course. Gotta start early! D-Day! Hell yeah! (proceed to C1) or Yoga by the river, to limber up my central nervous system before its big day (proceed to A2)
A2: During the transition from downward to upward-facing dog, your buddy Xander slides you a scrap of tin foil. Inside is either a tiny blotter of LSD or the corner of a Forever stamp of Mr. Incredible. What do you do?
Lick it (proceed to B1) or Slide it on back (proceed to A3)
A3: Xander takes back Schrödinger’s Acid and gives you a dirty look. Still, can’t give in to peer pressure, right?
Right! (proceed to A4) or Well, on second thought… (proceed to B1)
A4: Wait, are you a DARE kid?
Yes, ‘til I die! (proceed to C1) or Yes, but like, ironically (proceed to A5)
A5: Ah, so you’re one of those kids whose personality is mostly just weed and t-shirts with cartoon aliens on them, very cool. I bet your room has a totally normal number of crystals in it.
Yeah, maybe, and on second thought give me Xander’s acid (proceed to B1) or Are we done with yoga now or what? (proceed to B2)
B1: Your tongue feels a little stickier than usual and everything tastes like glue — so it goes. What now?
Drinking time! (proceed to B2) or Explore the various family-friendly aspects the University has set up around campus! (proceed to B5)
B2: It’s now [INSERT TIME OF DAY YOUR FLEXIBLE SENSE OF MORALITY ALLOWS YOU TO START DRINKING]. Where do you go?
Darty in some frat’s filthy driveway, so we can bother the area residents and simultaneously uphold a paranoid misconception of the 19th Ward and PLEX founded in classism and racism (proceed to B3) or Sneak alcohol into a place on campus where there is usually not alcohol (proceed to B6)
B3: You’re here and it’s exactly like all the Snapchat stories. Are you happy?
I’d be happier if I was committing property damage against some poor random family’s house (proceed to B6) or Making fun of people for trying to let off steam doesn’t make you morally superior, it just makes you an asshole (proceed to B4)
B4: Shit, you’re right. Sorry. The end
B5: It’s now 10 minutes later and you’ve seen everything. Now what?
Drinking time! (proceed to B2) or Why can’t I just do this over and over until I get tired? (proceed to C1)
B6: Wow, epic prank bro.
It’s not a prank; it’s alcoholism and I’m feeling a little sluggish all of a sudden (proceed to C1) or I know, I’m invincible! (proceed to B7)
B7: Whoops, looks like Xander’s acid wasn’t a dud after all. Through a convoluted chemical reaction that my English degree doesn’t require me to understand or prove, the LSD reacts with the alcohol and you explode in a comic and bloody fashion (you still die if you didn’t take Xander’s acid, but years later and because of heart disease or an auto accident). The end
C1: It is suddenly four in the afternoon and you are asleep. You miss the whole rest of the day and your friends all make fun of you for being both insane and boring at the same time. The end