If you listen closely to student gossip (we don’t know why you would), you may have caught wind of the secret classes here at UR. Examples include two credit course “CAS 105: ROC YOUR BAR MITZVAH,” four-credit course “PHL 321: Death” (Correction 7/4/19: This is apparently a real class for any readers out there who really want to feel depressed for three hours straight every week), and 69-credit course “XXX 420: Free Weed and Skateboard Tricks.”

Considering regular course registration is already a nightmare, we at the Campus Times decided to put together this handy-dandy guide to enrolling in a secret class.

Only we at the Campus Times didn’t know how to do that, so we sent an investigative journalist on the case. This is what we found, and it is our professional and collective recommendation you follow every step to the letter.

First, enter the College Center for Advising Services in Lattimore 312. Sidle up to the counter, darting your eyes around like you’re the one with the secret. Lean across the counter, and grab the poor staff member by the tie. If they aren’t wearing a tie, leave and return at a later date the tie grab is vital. Demand to know how to register for “free weed.”

If they haven’t called Public Safety at this point, start knocking papers, pen holders, and even computers off the desk until they do.

Once Public Safety comes, escalate your ruckus. Shout that you are not a student at UR and that you really were trying to steal from this UR employee before fleeing the scene.

Now, you wait. By that night, Public Safety should have sent out a school-wide email about an attempted robbery in Lattimore where the suspect demanded “free weed.”

This alerts students currently in secret courses that you want to join them. By the end of the week, one of them will have sent you an email from the address “secretcourses@not.rochester.edu” with a time and a place. Go there immediately; the time is a ruse to throw off the NSA agent reading your emails. If you are not there within 20 minutes of receiving the email, you are assumed unworthy of a position in the class.

At your location, you will find a man in a black hoodie. Sidle — awkwardly this time — up next to him. Throw in a fake cough or two. Be sure to dredge up some phlegm. When he is ready, he’ll give you an envelope. Do not thank him; it’s considered rude.

Or you can bypass all of that, because we did it for you. Below, we have included an exact transcription of the list our envelope contained. We recommend screenshotting this, as we don’t know how long this article will stay up before someone shuts us down.

  1. Acquire a live chicken
  2. [this one was smudged out, so fill in the gaps]
  3. At 00:02 a.m., on a night when it is exactly 22 degrees Fahrenheit, when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie (Read: Must be waning moon. NOT waxing! Will not work), take your cup of chicken blood and draw something demonic on that half circle in front of Rush Rhees. (This is a test, and there will be bonus points for creativity)
  4. (20) Blaze it lol
  5. For the final step,

Note from the editor: Unfortunately, the author died of “natural causes” before they were able to transcribe the list in its entirety. We were unable to find the list to finish it, so we have uploaded the unfinished product. If you have any information on how to find the rest of this list, please contact us at humor@campustimes.org.

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