I know you’re supposed to drink 64 oz. of water a day. I try, but the dimensions of my stomach make it logistically impossible. Maybe the smoothies, tea, iced coffee, and other, totally legal beverages make up for it.
Probably not, but I still somehow constantly need to pee, so I am uniquely qualified to discuss and rate our campus bathrooms. Why? Because it needs to be done.
1. B&L: Okay, so they aren’t the most convenient to get to, but they a) are always empty (yes, we need more female representation in Physics & Astronomy, but I appreciate the time for solitude), and b) have incredible lighting. I keep meaning to bring my tweezers around with me so I can pluck my eyebrows here. That might sound weird but I feel like it’d be worth it.
2. Harkness (Second floor — Economics Department): So the lower levels are kind of janky, but the upper levels have that high quality lighting like B&L. The whole architecture of this bathroom is wonderful, with hooks by the entry as well as the stalls (for your polar bear skin coat that you can’t survive the winter without, as well as your 47-pound backpack), and even a counter for your loose belongings. I don’t know what it is about those buildings, but the windows are faced towards the sun just right, with a translucent covering that removes the harshness. Ever since they repainted the walls bright white, the Harkness bathroom has given off a heavenly vibe. This always makes you feel like an angel, or maybe an angel who needs to do her eyebrows. If you died in here you’d go straight to the Good Place, and the University would definitely cover your tuition.
3. Wilson Commons entry level floor: Studio lighting always makes you feel like a celebrity. The toilets and sinks are below my expectations for a restroom that is used by prospective students quite often. Did administration ever consider this? Probably not.
4. Lattimore: This restroom is hidden by an office on the third floor, and it’s actually quite nice. Full length mirror, automatic sinks, tiling on the walls, soft lighting — all the necessities real adults expect. This goddamn oasis took me about three months to find. All the buildings that have restrooms every other floor make life so much harder than it needs to be.
5. Q&I: This gender-inclusive restroom gets an honorable mention for effort. It’s so important to make all students comfortable at this (and all) institutions. However, I don’t appreciate sharing stalls with boys (I would say men, but as you are about to find out, they are not men) who get pee everywhere, and can’t manage to put the toilet seat down when they’re done.
Some scene-setting: usually my bathroom routine includes using the restroom, washing my hands, and getting the fuck out. However, nothing sweetens your day more than adding some personal trauma by opening the door on someone who yelps, “Oh shit!” while literally shitting. This happened the first time I ever visited this popular locale, and has repeated itself multiple times since my experience with the OG guy. Maybe I’m being dramatic, but maybe I’m also scarred for life.
6. Wilson Commons Starbucks level: Again, I am so sorry for the students who feel most comfortable using co-ed/gender inclusive restrooms, because the school really does you dirty. You literally get the worst and dirtiest restrooms. These individual restrooms are often occupied, always have just the right amount of pee left on the seats, and always boast a combo of no paper towels + sucky hand dryers, which = sadness.
7. Meliora: Why are there puddles by every toilet? Why are the sinks always the wrong temperature? Why are the faucets’ water pressure high enough to legally qualify these sinks as firearms? Also the handles go the wrong way? Clearly men designed this restroom because you stare at a blank wall while washing your hands, and then you have to go to the other wall to look in the mirror? I don’t like to spend lots of time at the mirror, I just need to make sure I don’t have food stuck in my teeth. Which I prefer to do while washing my hands. Impossible to do your eyebrows here.