It was the game nobody saw coming. UR Football’s 76–3 victory over the New England Patriots at Super Bowl LIII last Sunday left everyone — pundits, the Patriots, football fans, and RIT — reeling from the improbable result.

The sheer magnitude of the blowout, made possible after a series of highly improbable plane crashes, car accidents, and natural disasters left UR Football as the only other team in North America still capable of competing, left even members of the victorious UR team stunned.

“I can’t believe it!” UR senior quarterback Tim Brady (no relation to Patriots quarterback Tom Brady) said after being named MVP. “I never thought the one game of football that I would actually win would be at the Super Bowl. Thank you grandma for being the only person who believed in me despite also thinking that football is part of your podiatric therapy.”

The studio art major received a 2019 Toyota Prius as well money to pay off his $500,000 in college loans. The Prius, which was delivered promptly to UR at 10 a.m. Monday, was impounded within the hour for lack of a parking permit.

Brady was responsible for three touchdowns, all from attempted quarterback sneaks. The maneuvers technically weren’t true quarterback sneaks, since Brady tripped and face planted the ball into the endzone all three times.

Throughout the game, UR kept going back to this unique brand of inept chaos. After a strong opening drive by the Patriots ended in a field goal, Brady immediately attempted a Hail Mary, which was caught by junior wide receiver Bill Grabbin for a touchdown. Despite a missed extra point by the ‘Jackets, a New England fumble resulted in a safety for the ‘Jackets. The ‘Jacket’s took the Patriots by surprise when no one on their defense covered any of the Patriots offense, and instead ran straight for a completely surprised Tom Brady.

In one of the most notable moments of the game, UR’s Brady ran back from the 40-yard line to the 20-yard line before lobbing a strong pass three yards to ‘Jackets tight end G. “Sweaty Palms” Butterfingers, who used his parkour skills to dodge the Patriots defense and run the ball into the Patriots end zone.

The ‘Jackets also reported receiving a boost from Maroon 5 at the halftime show.

Within minutes of the victory, University IT had declared a state of emergency, as the number of people attempting to access the UR Athletics website was over 100 million times larger than the current server capacity of three people.

“University sites will be unavailable until further notice while we work on upgrading our system,” head of University IT C. Rashing said.

In Atlanta, mayhem had broken loose as well after Tom Brady was arrested for attempting to deflate the Goodyear Blimp. Additionally, two Patriots linesmen were also arrested by police for DUI and roughing a passer while on the interstate.

The big winner, however, was UR, which received over $50 million in donations from alumni to its athletics program by 6 a.m. Monday morning.

“Sure, I donated a thousand out of pity for UR’s athletic ability,” Joe Lombardi ‘89 said. “But we still won, so I can’t help but support the clusterfuck that is UR Athletics. Meliora.”

Throughout the game, Patriots coach Bill Belichick got increasingly angry, destroying a Microsoft Surface Pro after every UR touchdown that occurred after the 13th minute of the first quarter.

 



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