The extreme weather conditions we see each winter here in Rochester can make you feel trapped in an unfeeling void, totally powerless in the face of nature’s cruel might. Read our Official Campus Times Blizzard/Nor’easter/Geostorm Choose Your Own Adventure Game and live out the fantasy of possessing agency!
START You’re awoken by something cold hitting you in the face. When you get up, do you check and see what it is?
Yes (proceed to A1) or It’s only fucking January and I’m already so broken, I didn’t know that a human being could feel this way and still be alive, and yet here I am (proceed to B1)
A1 Your face is covered with snow, which piled up outside your window to such a degree that the window broke.
Better call ResLife (proceed to A2) or I climb out through the broken window and explore the Winter Wonderland (proceed to A4)
A2 The ResLife answering machine lets you know that your call is very important to them, and also that you are number 48 in line for room repairs and should expect service sometime in late April, right when wedding season starts picking up. A lovely time for an outdoor service, if you ask me.
I climb out through the broken window and explore the Winter Wonderland (proceed to A4) or Hell yeah, let’s set the date (proceed to A3)
A3 The ceremony is beautiful, with a small gathering of family and friends on hand to see two souls unite as one in the eyes of the Law and God. There was a thing about a snowstorm and a window that I think had to be fixed, but it seems we’ve lost the plot a bit in terms of that. The End
A4 Without a coat, young sport? Do you wish to catch your death?
I do not wish to catch my death (proceed to B3) or I wish to catch my death, and will enter the outside world as I did when I was born: face-first (proceed to B1)
A5 You are nice and toasty, but everyone’s always judging you just a little bit. Where to now?
Time to eat (proceed to B4) or Looking at everyone else in their L.L. Bean Undershirts is making me feel poor, actually, and I’d very much like to fly home now in my parent’s private jet (proceed to C1)
B1 You march right down to where the University usually has SAD lamps on hand and find only a wild pack of therapy dogs. They lick all the snow off your face. Do you find yourself cheered?
Yes (proceed to B2) or No (proceed to C1)
B2 You’re cold, but at least you’re not a member of the bourgeoisie. No, you are a person of the people! You have so many friends, in fact, that you end up getting invited to a wedding on your way out your window. Weird! Do you go?
Of course! (proceed to A3) or I need to get a snack first (proceed to B4)
B3 Canada Goose Expedition Parka or The Classic Navy Rochester Hoodie You Got When You Got Accepted?
Canada Goose (proceed to A5) or The Hoodie (proceed to B2)
B4 The effort of just wading a few steps through the snow leaves you starving. Do you think you can make it all the way to the dining hall?
Yes (proceed to B5) or I pounce upon an unsuspecting classmate (proceed to B6)
B5 You die of starvation. The End
B6 The snow turns red, then pink as the struggle kicks up more and more white powder. You are satiated, but at what cost? The extremes of nature’s cruelty have already pushed you to the animalistic brink, and you know that our leader’s inaction towards climate change will just make each January bleaker than the next. Do you embrace the coming Ice Age?
I have been waiting for it all my life (proceed to B7) or Actually I think maybe I need to take a step back and get a bit of help here (proceed to B1)
B7 You get, like, instantly arrested. What the fuck did you think this was? Did you think you were fucking John Wick or something? You fucking nerd. Your parents are probably so tired of listening to you rant about “survival of the fittest.” Your own parents think you’re boring. You go to jail and you belong there, too. The End
C1 You take a semester off. Your life becomes more vibrant and rewarding the instant you return home to Southern California, you lucky bastard. The End