In an unsurprising moment of idiocy, the University of Rochester’s mathematicians have made yet another egregious error and miscalculated the number of students projected to enroll in the coming school year.

Despite the pitfalls of a past mired in scandal, the University received a record number of applications this year. Perhaps this goes to show that any press is good press.

But as the press was not only “not good,” but also absolutely disgusting, it doesn’t put one’s mind at rest about this year’s application pool, which clearly lacks the ability to read.

While it is promising and exciting for the University that so many students have decided to attend, the school faces some problems, like housing.

Amid decade-old rumors that the residential buildings Anderson and Wilder are structurally unsound and sinking into the ground and that Phase is rodent infested, the University has found itself between a Rocky’s Sub Shop and a hard place.

Dorms are scarce and all of the money in the budget is going towards outrageous additions including, among many, laminated signs indicating the lack of staplers in Gleason, high-speed wi-fi connectivity everywhere on campus, and the iZone.

So, now the question on everyone’s mind is: What is to be done about the surplus of students in this first year class?

The answer emerged after consultation with ruthless innovators and fierce utilitarians, known colloquially on campus as the Economics Department. The Econ professors designed the ultimate solution to the overpopulation problem: a Hunger Games.

2018 will mark the inaugural event of what is sure to become yet another money-making scheme for the self-proclaimed “nonprofit” University of Rochester. All of the students granted admission this year will arrive on campus at the end of August to participate in a cheerful bloodbath and those that survive will make up the first year class.

For fans of the original Hunger Games, the University of Rochester’s version comes with a Meliora twist — which, for you newbies, is not a delicious flavour of soft serve but the University’s motto, which some person in your year will eventually get tattooed on their body and someone else will use as a toast before taking five consecutive shots of tequila.

In UR’s Hunger Games there will be no need for venomous tracker jackers as yellowjackets abound on campus in the fall. Additionally, each day a new student will don the Rocky mascot costume and run wild through the campus pulling pranks and being downright persnickety.

Instead of a cannon marking the deaths of fallen students, the carillon of Rush Rhees will play Gary Jules’s cover of “Mad World” by Tears For Fears.

The cornucopia of weapons UR students have to choose from will not include traditional killing utensils like guns and knives, but rather implements UR students can understand — weapons tailored to each department.

For the physics majors, there will be lasers. For the biology majors, vials of leftover norovirus. Economics majors might find thick copies of Adam Smith’s “The Wealth of Nations” useful for clubbing people over the head. The engineers will have their personalities.

No area of the campus will be off-limits to combat.

In order to facilitate contact between students, as well as to keep the competition from getting too boring, the radius of action will decrease every hour.

It will start with the entirety of the River Campus and end with a final showdown on the sky bridge in Wilson Commons à la every single “Star Wars” movie.

The whole event is slated to take only several days — there still needs to be time remaining to do special orientation activities such as ice cream socials and counseling sessions at UCC for the survivors.

This seems like a lot to take in. Here are some of your essential questions answered:

What will the University do with all of those bodies? Sources report that the University has contracted with the same company that did the norovirus clean-up to help dispose of the corpses.

Will athletes be made to participate? The athletic department has told us that athletes, even those that make up closed rosters, will not be exempt, as the University makes an effort to show that there is no unequal treatment of students and student-athletes.  

Expect moments of tenderness as that one couple hooks up on the first night and moments of pain as they avoid eye contact for the rest of the semester.

Upperclassmen are reminded to not wear a lanyard or be seen openly admitting that they still don’t understand the tunnel system, so as not to be mistaken for a first-year and, subsequently be killed.

You can tune into the University of Rochester’s First Annual Hunger Games on Instagram TV and other forms of media that no one actually uses.  



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