Introducing Tiffany, the white suburban mom. Tiffany will be answering questions and giving advice to the common people. You can send your questions to Tiffany at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Hello, readers! Seeing as this is my first column and I haven’t received any questions yet, I figured I’d write some myself. My friends usually bring me along for my opinion when they go shoe shopping so I think I’m more than qualified for life advice too. I’ll follow the same three factors I use when giving shopping advice — price, sex appeal, and comfort. Giving advice is like shopping for heels — nothing is ever clear, unless you’re a stripper.
Is your house an absolute fucking mess?
What are you sitting around for? Pick up the phone and hire a maid!
Are your kids becoming a financial burden?
There’s no shame in getting them an Audi for graduation instead of a BMW. At some point they’re going to have to learn that life isn’t fair. If that’s just not in your price range, drop them off at a pawn shop and pick them up in three or four months after you’ve refinanced your house and can afford them again.
Does your husband not pay attention to you anymore?
Sometimes all it takes is a little change to bring that spark back into your relationship. I always go to my plastic surgeon for a little tune-up whenever I’m feeling like something new.
Are your kids too damn loud?
Does your boss accuse you of being a drug addict?
When people resort to name calling it’s often because they feel left out. Invite your boss on your next “froyo run”, or whatever you usually tell him you’re doing before you snort some cocaine to “take the edge off.” If all else fails, tell him to take a chill pill and pop a Xanny.
Are your kids gaining too much weight?
Studies have shown that smoking curbs your appetite. Have your kids smoke a cigarette one hour before every meal to help them eat less and still feel satisfied. For added effect, constantly remind them that nobody likes a fatty. This time-honored diet of nicotine and fear is sure to shed those pounds fast!
Are your children calling their father “daddy” when that’s YOUR name for your him?
You always knew you’d have to break it to your children that this man isn’t actually their father, and they’re old enough to talk now so you may as well get it over with. While difficult, it’s important to always be honest with your children. Sit them down at the kitchen table, make some dinosaur chicken nuggets to put them in a good mood, and let them know gently that you went to a sperm bank and picked the man who looked most like Patrick Dempsey.
Oh dear, now one of them is crying and the other is asking who Patrick Dempsey is. Listen, I don’t have time to answer any more questions right now. If you have questions you want me to answer you can send them in, and I’ll try to get to them after I get the kids back to the pawn shop and refill my “prescriptions.”