START An alarm is going off somewhere nearby. Do you wake up?
Yes (proceed to A1) or No (proceed to B1)

A1 You scan the room. It’s a standard single in Phase. Is it your room?
Yes (proceed to A2) or No (proceed to A6)

A2 Ugh, why did you spend money on that “Pulp Fiction” poster at the start of the year? Didn’t you realize that everyone else would just buy the same damn poster? Whatever. You leave your room and run into your buddy Xyler in the hallway. He wants to go skeet-shooting off the Phase balcony. Do you go with him?
Hell yeah (proceed to A4) or That sounds unsafe (proceed to A3)

A3 Xyler shrugs. You go back to your room and watch the most vanilla porn imaginable. Just before you can finish, you hear the telltale ricochet of birdshot off brick followed by the crash of your window breaking. Xyler has inadvertently shot you, and the only thing that saves your life is the furious pumping of your right arm, which blocked the shot from hitting your chest. You survive and graduate with a 3.2 and a B.S. in microbio. The End

A4 You and Xyler end up being pretty bad at hitting skeets, but you do succeed in shooting apart the fence between Phase and the cemetery. You both think that Susan B. Anthony would be proud of you. Xyler thinks you should both try shooting from the hip, like they do in the movies. Do you agree?
Hell yeah (proceed to A5) or That sounds unsafe (proceed to A3)

A5 Because of the decrease in your already piss-poor accuracy, you accidentally shoot the driver of a lawn mower in the cemetery. The lawn mower crashes through the window of a ground floor dorm and kills the student inside. You graduate with a 3.2 and a B.S. in microbio. The End

A6 Niiiiiiice. Do you steal your partner’s ID as you sneak away from their still sleeping form?
What the fuck? No (proceed to B3) or Only because they have that stupid ‘Pulp Fiction’ poster (proceed to A7)

A7 Give yourself one crime point. What’s next for you?
I need to eat (proceed to B3) or I need to get drunk (proceed to B6)

B1 The alarm goes off a second time. Do you wake up?
Yes (proceed to B2) or No (proceed to C1)

B2 Christ, it’s already 6:00 p.m. Really slept the whole day away there, huh, champ? So what’s next for you?
I need to eat (proceed to B3) or I need to get drunk (proceed to B6)

B3 Your stomach is growling something fierce, but all the dining halls are closed because fuck kids that stay for Senior Week, amiright? Do you go to the Pit?
I’m out of declining (proceed to B4) or I stole the ID (proceed to B5)

B4 You die of starvation. The End

B5 Good call. You slam down those chicken tenders with a ferocity that makes everyone around you uncomfortable. Where to now?
My buddy Xyler said something about shotguns? (proceed to A4) or I need to get drunk (proceed to B6)

B6 Give yourself one crime point. Your buddy Xyler, fresh off a skeet-shooting adventure, comes around with a stash of Genny Cream. You’re both pretty buzzed when the police helicopter lands on your roof. They heard the shotgun blasts and want answers. How many crime points do you have?
One (proceed to B7) or Two (proceed to B8)

B7 The cops have already met their quota. You graduate with a 3.2 and a B.S. in microbio. The End

B8 The cops have a quota to meet. The End

C1 A rogue lawn mower crashes through your window, but you don’t hear it because you’re asleep. ResLife bills your family for cleaning your gory remains off the walls. The only thing that will last longer than their grief is the crushing weight of repaying your wasted student loans. The End

Tagged: Commencement


Who sets up Commencement? A team of 22 plans for months

Twenty-two staff members from Event and Classroom Management spend October to June planning the ceremony,  with four of them working full-time on the event. Facilities and Meliora Catering also play a role in getting everything in place and the food for the different ceremonies across campus.

‘Avengers: Infinity War’ — When the trailer’s better than the movie

My relationship with the Marvel Cinematic Universe is casual, at best. I engage with it a couple of times in a given year. But like most one-night stands, the MCU’s residue has lingered beyond a few hours.

Four years of professional sports

It may be difficult to remember, but a lot has happened in sports in the past four years. Here are…