I’m too sober for this.

That was my prevailing thought as I sat through the midnight screening of “Suicide Squad XXX: An Axel Braun Parody” in Hoyt on Saturday. (Technically Sunday, I guess.)

Why was I at a midnight porno screening? Brilliant question. It’s a brilliant question because I asked myself the same thing through all two hours of the film. (Actually I left in the last five minutes.)

There’s another question I asked myself. Actually I hollered it in the theater: “Who sits through two hours of porno?” The gentleman next to me informed that I did, apparently.

Here’s the reason why I was there, though. Every year, UR Cinema Group, the sweet folks who show movies for free in Hoyt on the weekends, get their rocks off by sadistically laughing at unsuspecting UR students coaxed into sitting through a feature-length pornographic film. This brutal ritual, known as the Spring Porn, appears to be something of a purge for Cinema Group people, who are, for the rest of the year, the nicest bunch you’ll ever meet.

I guess it’s all “la-di-da” until you realize that in order for that “la-di-da” to exist, you need a certain degree of “Jesus H. Christ.”

So what can I tell you about “Suicide Squad XXX: An Axel Braun Parody”? Well, it’s a parody of “Suicide Squad” that’s also a porn movie, directed by Axel Braun. So cheers to the film for having an exceptionally informative title.

If you’re like me, you may be wondering why a director would want to put himself in the title of a porn movie and sully his good name. (That’s right, I’ve just very nearly quoted “Hamilton” in a porn review.) Well, apparently, Axel Braun has a lot to be proud of. This prolific filmmaker has directed such classics as “Supergirl XXX: An Axel Braun Parody,” “Squirting 101 4,” “Squirting 101 5,” “Squirting 101 6,” “Squirting 101 7,” “Squirting 101 8,” “Squirting 101 9,” “Squirting 101 10,” and “Pole Position POV.”

If his IMDb bio is correct, Braun may be an actual god. He’s the son of the late pornographic filmmaker Lasse Braun, who directed 1972’s “Cake Orgy,” the grandson of an Italian diplomat, is a member of Mensa, and has a Ph.D. in psychology.

There is some degree of legitimate conflict in the film, like when Killer Frost keeps on stealing the Riddler from Poison Ivy, or when the close-up one-shot buildup to a certain climax takes longer than the “Hamilton” soundtrack. (I’m off the goddamn chain.) Why close-ups of junk action exist in this film is beyond me. They just make horrifyingly clear how extreme overuse makes things all worn and disfigured, like cyclists.

This brings me to an important detail. I should say that the following was written in my notes, when I was running to get some water, by a student who requested to be credited only as Scar Sumptuous. All of the men in this film are wearing condoms — they’re practicing safe sex, though I suppose fooling around with the Joker’s junk isn’t exactly safe. But good for them, I guess.

The interesting thing is that “Suicide Squad XXX” operates with the same rationale as real DC films. If it works once, do it again and again and again and again and again until the last thing you want to see is another one. Braun may have called his film a parody but, alas, he seems to have accidentally spoofed the whole damn industry.

I’m going to go vomit.  

Tagged: Spring Porn URCG


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