This past Friday, GOP lawmakers announced a party-wide initiative to end school shootings by banning schools. Should legislation pass to support the initiative, all public schools will close, effective immediately. Private schools operating under Christian charters will be permitted to remain open due to protection under the First Amendment.

The push for banning education was first announced by House Speaker Paul Ryan and Senator Marco Rubio in a joint press conference meant to show unity between the GOP-controlled House and Senate.

“The time has come,” Rubio said, “for direct action. We have set up metal detectors, locked doors, militarized police, armed teachers, guidance counselors, select White Male Christian students, the works. Still, school shootings persist.”

He continued: “So we asked ourselves — what’s so great about school, anyway? Teaching kids how to raise their hand and ask to go take a shit? Utterly frivolous. Think about it: No more schools, no more school shootings.”

Rubio then became agitated and began to mumble something about “schools only being factories for more Emma Gonzalezs” and that certain members of the press should “see what it’s like being dunked on by teens day and night on Twitter,” at which point House Speaker Ryan assumed control of the proceedings.

When asked whether it would just be easier to restrict access to semi-automatic weapons, Ryan was quoted as saying:

“Look. Like, literally, look at me. Look at my face and try to not think, ‘Cartoon villain.’ Look into my eyes. Do you see any semblance of human emotion in here? Any capacity for caring? No. When I go home, I jerk off to the Google Images results for ‘Nice Naked Lady’ while doing CrossFit and listening to an Ayn Rand audiobook in one ear and a Bret Easton Ellis audiobook in the other. Sometimes, I cry. Other times, I imagine what it would be like to be Tom Brady. When I’m finished, I do just a bit of minimal cleanup by wiping myself down with pages ripped from a Maya Angelou collection. Then, I go to sleep on the couch, my wife having locked herself in the bedroom the second she heard me come home. I’m still more or less just dripping like a wild boar in heat, by the way. When I said minimal cleanup, I meant minimal. It’s fucking glorious. And I know I would never be able to live such a life of taxpayer-supported luxury as a civil servant without the NRA’s support come election time. And yeah, if you got rid of guns, I’d probably be out of a job, sure. But then you’re also gonna have to move all my stuff out of my D.C. house when my Democratic opponent, Randy Bryce, moves in, and that means touching my cum-stained workout bench. Yeah, didn’t think you wanted that either. So for now, just don’t go to school, I guess. Obamacare sucks.”

Ryan then dropped his microphone on the stage, which no one seemed to be willing to pick up.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer was approached for a response to the GOP’s statements. He began to make a statement on “the importance of potent and principled opposition from the Democratic Party in these troubled times,” but was then distracted by “a really cool butterfly” (sources indicate it was actually a crow) and stumbled off into the distance.

Tagged: Guns


Research Rochester: Research for Everyone

A common misconception shared by many undergraduates is that research is reserved for the sciences.

Not Vanilla: The cultural cues of year’s end

Reader, you already know that 2018 is coming to a close. I hope your year has been wonderful, despite the…

BSU celebrates unity and culture through Kwanzaa

Over the past week Black Students’ Union hosted their annual weeklong celebration of Kwanzaa, a Pan-African celebration that honors African…