“Fraternity,” a word stemming from the Latin “fraternus” meaning “brotherly.” The North American fraternity system itself can be traced as far back as the 18th century, and has been a pillar of friendship, philanthropy, and binge drinking along the way.

River Campus is no stranger to a good, yummy fraternity. Our campus is home to the following: Delta Kappa Epsilon, Alpha Delta Phi, Theta Chi, Psi Upsilon, Sigma Phi Epsilon, Sigma Alpha Mu, and Sigma Chi. There are more but they don’t live on the Frat Quad so it doesn’t matter.

I’m going to review these parties because they provide a form of escapism and because I’m so broken inside. Parties will be scored out of 10 and based on concept, attendance, and atmosphere. Let’s get into it! So cool!

This weekend was the Mardi Gras weekend because Alpha Delta Phi and Delta Kappa Epsilon care about Catholic doctrine more than anything else. I will rate this concept a three because both frats had the same one and it wasn’t even a Tuesday.

I went out with my friends James, Jackie, and her roommate Riva, and we went to ADP first because Riva called them “the acoustic version of ‘The Chainsmokers.’” And boy, was she right!

We entered the door and the man gave me a tiny “X” on my hand because I am under 21, but it was a tiny “X” so I could drink anyway! Very considerate. I was already impressed with ADP’s hospitality.

We entered through the foyer, and the room was as barren as I hope my womb is. There was a table with a greasy pizza box carcass on it, and party-goers plucked the remaining contents of the box like hungry, hungry hippos. Even though I was repulsed, buying pizza for a party was a very kind gesture.

We descended into the gaping infinity of the staircase, our bones shaking in time to the bass of Smash Mouth’s seminal “All-Star,” which was played not once, but twice. The first time they played it, I had to fight the urge to rip out the ossicle bones that rest so gently against the oval window of my strong ear (my right ear).

But then they played it a second time and I was like, “Oh, ha-ha, I get it!”

Although the first floor was dry and empty like my womb, the basement was pretty full, but not in a way that felt overwhelming or oppressive. It was a nice attendance sweet spot where you don’t get thrombosis from all the people putting their butts on your body, but you also don’t feel bad about yourself because no one is at the party. I give attendance an eight.

Something else I liked was that the floor was not sticky but wet in a way that allowed for easy movement. I’m sure most frat brothers have not heard the word “wet” before, but it just refers to something covered in a liquid.

Although I did have a quaint little time at ADP, the overall atmosphere was so middle-of-the-road and fine that it was boring. No one even vomited on me, so I give atmosphere a six. ADP’s final score rounds up to an even six.

I know I mentioned DKE before, but I don’t think I hate myself enough to talk about DKE at length. There were like 20 people at the party, which made me uncomfortable, but a good handful of them were really good dancers, so I’ll give attendance a three and a half.

They had boxed wine, and I love a good box of wine, but the main room smelled weird and a man blew a fat vape cloud into Riva’s face, so atmosphere gets a two. DKE’s final score rounds up to a three. It’s okay, there’s always room for improvement! Like how everyone hated David Letterman for sexual harassment but now he has a Netflix show and it’s bad.


They moved in packs, resembling clouds of yellow pain. Their intent: to drive students into buildings, away from campus center, and just generally insane.

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If you’re wasting the most amazing years of your life stressing about the future and always working, you’re ruining yourself.

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