Sang Pak | Contributing Illustrator

In an unexpected — yet effective — measure, the University’s Panhellenic Executive Board has hired mysterious hooded figures to supervise formal recruitment.

“The reality is the women going through recruitment do not take the rho gammas seriously enough,” said Erika Zatrioli, the group’s president. “They very quickly realize that underneath all the yelling, the rho gams are not that different from the recruits. We’re all just friendly people who want to be in a sorority. But the hooded figures? Not so much.”

The board released a statement warning everyone that the figures would act swiftly and without judgement. By the second day of recruitment, the figures had already removed 23 women, both recruits and sisters, from the premises.

“It was really something,” said Samantha Brindle, ‘21. “My rho gam was yelling at us to walk faster and stay in line, when, all of a sudden, someone behind me tripped. That’s when I saw one of the figures appear. It must’ve been over six feet tall and had no discernible features other than its large black robe. She screamed, ‘No, please don’t!” but it was too late. It had her by the shoulders and dragged her away. I just kept my head down. Also, Mu Omicron, if you’re reading this, please please please pref me.”

The figures were also instructed to enforce rules even outside of events — especially those regarding sisters speaking with unaffiliated students.

“I took a photo with my unaffiliated friend, Carly,” explained sophomore Jackie Bilwin. “But later when I went to post it on Instagram, I realized the photo was of me with my arm around one of the figures. I haven’t heard from Carly in days.”

Bilwin then threw her hands up in what appeared to be a gang sign and exclaimed, “ABCDEFG, Upsilon Shmupsilon’s the sorority for me!”

As recruitment progressed, the figures proved to have other unusual abilities — they’re able to read both minds and situations. Multiple accounts from sorority sisters have reported the feeling that their thoughts were being monitored.  

“I was talking to this really friendly girl,” began junior McKenna Ourin a sister of Delta Delta Delta Delta Delta. “I was thinking about how if she was my little I could teach her how to make margaritas, and the moment the word ‘margarita’ popped into my head one of the figures appeared in the distance. I quickly shut it down by reminding myself we were talking about ‘Parks and Rec.’ But it just kind of stayed there, watching me.”

Ourin then explained that as her mind would wander to taboo subjects, such as her boyfriend or how many bids Quinti-Delt would extend, the figure inched closer to her.

“I’m glad I was able to stop myself at every turn. I think it made for great conversation though. It really kept my mind from wandering to less important and forbidden subjects,” she said, nervously eyeing a figure in the distance.

The board advises sisters and new recruits alike to remember that the hooded figures’ duration of contract is ambiguous. That is, if they are still around after recruitment, sisters should be wary of mentioning the three B’s — booze, boys, and bids.

Tagged: Greek Life

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