After careful review by the University’s Interfraternity Council, the executive decision has been made for Greek Life to return to its humble roots.

“We feel the very idea of Greek Life — not just here, but around the country — has strayed from what it is meant to embody,” said Director of Fraternity and Sorority Affairs John Smith “The only way to resolve the issue is to attack it from the source, or rather go back to the source. Large-scale parties and the social stigmas surrounding them are not representative of Greek tradition. Aristotle and Socrates would not be proud.”

Effective Oct. 26, fraternities will hold a weekly singing of “The Odyssey” on the fraternity quad. Clad in togas and ceremonial wreaths, each fraternity will be required to send one representative a week — preferably someone who is blind.

“We really want the authenticity of the experience to shine through,” said council chairman Samuel Raskowitz. “The readers must sing, dress, and see as Homer once did — or rather didn’t, in the case of that last one.”

The council will also begin a semesterly drawing in which two fraternities will be selected to battle for Helen of Troy. The victor will win a year’s supply of Dionysus’ grapes, hand picked by local eunuchs. The defeated, however, will suffer a mythological punishment of their choice.

“I think if I had to choose one, I’d roll a boulder up the path to Sue B. for the rest of the semester,” explained Theta Chi president Jacob Patrie. “At least if I did that, by the end I’d be sculpted like a Greek god, right? Sisyphus was strong, I’m pretty sure.”

The council would also like to add that if the loser were to select Prometheus’ punishment, the school would provide funds to purchase an eagle and train it to consume human livers.

The final stipulation of the ruling is that the University’s sororities will be disbanded.

“We can’t have women thinking they’re independent in Ancient Greece. That’s just not how the Greeks thought it was. The whole point of this measure is to erase modern Greek Life stigma. In reality, we should just stick with the old school stigmas. Besides, vintage is trendy. To us, this measure is no different than the comeback of Polaroids or vinyl records,” read an anonymous council statement.

“To not enact these policies would be to look a gift horse in the mouth,” said Smith. “The Ancient Greeks knew to blindly accept gift horses as they were, and what harm ever came from that?”



A dissent against Senate’s decision on Equestrian

Senators, readers, and anyone else who gives a damn about extracurricular activities at this school: All the team is asking you for is one more yes vote. It’s asking you to let it increase its own dues to pay for a sport that its members love. It’s asking you to give it the time to implement a sustainable funding solution. It’s asking you to let it keep existing. It’s asking you to give it a chance.

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