“Wow, the food at this place has been incredible,” Rob Boberts said, hardly intelligible through the mouthful of cake he was gobbling up toward the end of his weekly date night with his girlfriend, Clara “Claire” St. Clare.
“And it was so nice of you to find this vegan restaurant for us to go to,” he added, finishing the last of the water as they signed their respective receipts.
The restaurant, A Meal for You and Megan, had been open for nearly a year but hadn’t picked up in popularity until recently because people thought it was meant just for people named Megan.
But as Claire explained to him, it was actually just a poorly executed pun. Actually pronounced MEE-gan, it was supposed to combine “A Meal for You and Me” with the word “vegan,” and the concept was for vegans to take their carnivorous friends or significant others to get a taste (quite literally) of vegan cuisine outside of just salads and veggie burgers. For this date Claire had suggested they splurge a bit and order the five-course special.
Rob was surprised that Claire had gone out of her way to find this place and suggest it to him, as she was a stubbornly dedicated meat-eater and often chafed at having to plan meals and dates around his dietary habits.
He was especially surprised that she had done so just two weeks after the Big Fight. She had seen a text pop-up on his phone from his side bae and got all suspicious and accused him of cheating and blah blah blah. I mean, sure, he and Claire had been dating for a year now but he had never heard anyone say the word “exclusive,” so what’s the big deal? She had been pissed ever since then, but a few days ago she seemed to calm down and had suggested this place for date night. He was glad to see she had come back to her senses and things were getting back to normal.
The date had gone well and as they were walking out the door Rob was starting to think optimistically about the two of them retiring early to the bedroom (where he was much more enthusiastic about Claire’s love of meat-eating), she turned to him.
With the utmost innocence in her voice she said, “Oh, honey?”
Rob paused, noting the use of his least-favorite epithet (the only non-vegan pet name).
“Remember how you thought the salad dressing was a little too salty? That’s because it was bacon grease.”
“What!?” Rob almost vomited at the thought. “How could you let me eat such sinful, sickly slime?”
“It only seemed appropriate for a slimy, sleazy snake such as yourself,” she said, just as sweetly as before.
“You filthy, cheating bastard!” she added, finally letting herself express the enmity she had concealed so well all evening.
“Megan actually stands for meat plus vegan — almost everything you just ate was animal-sourced.”
She smiled as reality finally dawned on his face. His chickens had finally come home to roost, and she had made him eat them.
“But the coconut curry! The mini portabello paninis! It was all a lie? Meat plus vegan isn’t even a good pun!” he stammered, still not fully believing what had just transpired.
“You’re right,” she said. “It’s a terrible pun for a terrible person. The ‘coconut oil’ was lard, the snow peas were praying mantis wings, and the black quinoa on the side was actually fish eggs. And the portobello? Grilled giraffe tongue.”
Face pale, back against the wall, Rob slid to the ground, too horrified to even speak.
But Claire wasn’t done yet. She still had two courses left.
“The vegan fettuccine alfredo was actually vegan, but it’s prepared in a room where they let aspiring boxers punch sides of beef — that are actually just the sides of living cows.”
And, finally, the pièce de résistance.
“And that delicious sponge cake was 100 percent factory farmed sea sponge, topped with frosting made of reduced salmon semen!”
At these words, the unfaithful swine hit rock bottom, and another A Meal From You to Megan customer went home satisfied.
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Do you have an adulterous asshole in your life? A Meal for You and Megan has been helping the brokenhearted get revenge on philandering vegans since 2015, with locations now open in all 50 states. Make a reservation today, or, apply for a job in our new service delivering Megan meals straight to your door in a Tesla that has the battery replaced with a Hummer’s engine.