In a joint press conference, ResLife and the Rochester Fire Department announced that Yellowjacket nests will no longer be permitted as decorations in UR student housing. A longtime staple in most dorms, the nests will come down after the administration-backed initiative to ban them finally passed last week, despite stiff opposition from much of the student body.
Fire Marshal Mark Cavanaugh declared the matter “an issue of general public health,” citing a variety of factors leading to the controversial decision.
“The fact of the matter,” said Cavanaugh, “is that Yellowjacket and hornet nests, while smaller and more portable than traditional beehives, are still composed largely of organic, flammable material, and should be kept away from any potential heat sources, such as low-heat, child-proof string lights.”
Cavanaugh also referenced the threat of being stung for both the allergic and immune.
“Look, I know you kids love your bees or whatever,” said Cavanaugh, fighting to be heard over an increasingly rowdy group of protesting students, “but is getting stung
every day really something you want? Is it fun for you? Isn’t a picture of Rocko orwhatever his name is basically the same thing?”
At this point, Cavanaugh was forced to relinquish the podium, having been driven back by a barrage of empty Yellowjackets nests, honey, and Mel Sauce jars. Many students at the press conference were inconsolable at having to evict their insect friends, claiming that the nests were what drew them to Rochester in the first place.
“I just love waking up to that gentle buzz in the morning, you know?” sniffed sophomore Collin Gwilt through a steady flow of tears. “Both the wasps hovering around my bed and my nerve endings pulsing from all the bee venom in my blood. UR just won’t be the same without it.”
His suitemate, Ryley Robinson, was a bit more optimistic.
“I know I’m gonna miss my nest,” said Robinson, “but I just need to make the best of it. Sure, there may not be anyYellowjackets in my room, but I’m sure I can always find a couple in my lounge, or in my classes, or the library, or the mail center, or on any of the quads, or in Wilson, or maybe even off-campus. Point is, I may not need to go too far.”
At press time, all confiscated nests were being kept under lock and key by ResLife, along with items deemed equally threatening, such as string lights, small flags, and lamps that can be twisted along more than one axis.