This past Saturday, Donald Trump reached the first major milestone of his presidency, the 100th day of his administration. Analyses across the media have been taking stock of what he has accomplished (and what he has notably failed at accomplishing) in this first litmus test of presidential success or failure.
But despite many outlets characterizing his tenure so far as an unusually unproductive, divisive, and crisis-ridden, Trump has been largely successful in fulfilling most of his “unofficial” first-100-days checklist.
So while we may differ on most policy points, personal opinions, and our overall philosophy of life and the nature of reality, I am nothing if not fair, so I will give credit where credit is due and recognize him for fulfilling his unofficial goals:
- Covering the entire interiors of the White House and Mar-a-Lago in gold: Trump’s first budget proposal includes $54 billion in spending cuts, all of which would be funneled into increased spending for defense and national security budgets. These moves have been criticized even by Trump’s Secretary of Defense, who said, “If you don’t fund the State Department fully, then I need to buy more ammunition.” But what the fake news losers don’t know that Trump does is that gold, as the most beautiful metal, is therefore also the strongest, and so the best way to provide for national security is to encase Trump (who’s basically the entire nation, or at least the part of it that matters) entirely in gold, and so Trump has rightly and successfully taken that $54 billion from the whiny, entitled masses and spent it on what he and his supporters love most—himself.
- Make a friend: Being Donald Trump is lonely—he has so few true peers that it’s hard for anyone to relate with him as an equal and truly be his friend. Most people only want to know him to try and use him for their own power or gain. Fortunately, there is another spoiled man-child who had everything given to him by his dad and whose actions frequently cause outside observers to speculate about the state of his mental health. The only thing preventing Trump from befriending him earlier was that he didn’t have fancy enough toys to play with him yet, but now he and Kim Jong Un can play with their toy ships and nuclear weapons, make up the rules to their own games, then argue with each other when one of them breaks the rules. Already in his first 100 days, Trump has finally gotten to experience the ordinary childhood he couldn’t as a kid. Let’s just hope he doesn’t throw too big of a temper tantrum in the years to come.
- Officially adding “bigly” to the English language: This was one of the few unofficial goals at which Trump failed, despite extensive lobbying efforts aimed at the Oxford English Dictionary ahead of its March update with over 500 new words. Advisors are calling it a learning experience, however, as the President learned valuable lessons during his crusade, such as the fact that neither Oxford nor English are American-owned entities.
- Ensuring that he has the biggest hands in the United States government: While many in the lamestream media have derided the President for leaving “hundreds of appointed positions” unfilled in his first 100 days, what they fail to note is that this is actually indicative of the success of Trump’s new “extreme vetting” hiring policy. “Many politicians on both sides of the aisle have stressed the importance of doing things right, rather than fast,” said Sean Spicer, Trump’s press secretary. “The extreme vetting of presidential appointees is an example of that principle in practice.” This “extreme vetting” involves every candidate for appointed office coming to the Oval Office and placing their hand against Trump’s, who then make it to the next round of consideration if their hand is smaller than the president’s. This policy also explains the dearth of women in Trump’s administration.
- Pooping in every White House toilet: What most people don’t know about Donald Trump is that his shit (literally and metaphorically) is more important than anyone else’s in the world. This was one of his primary motivations for running for president, and he intended to prove himself right by erasing all memory of President Obama’s shit and replacing it with his own. He accomplished this despite both his fear of stairs and the fact that more than half of the White House’s toilets reside in women’s bathrooms or are urinals. Factors that helped him accomplish his goal included pretending the women’s bathrooms were backstage changing areas for beauty queens backstage at the Miss Universe Pageant, as well as a medical condition known as “constantly being full of shit.”