- What’s your major?
- Marine biology
- What kind of pet do you want to have?
- Guinea pig
- Tropical fish
- Snakes in a can
- What’s your dream job?
- High school coach
- Middle manager
- Who needs money, man?
- Who’s your favorite Greek god(dess)?
- What is your favorite part of the human body?
- Funny bone
- Which of these songs is the best?
- Queen, “We Are the Champions”
- Idina Menzel, “Let it Go”
- Jimmy Buffett, “Margaritaville”
- Stevie Wonder, “Isn’t She Lovely”
- Kool & the Gang, “Celebration”
- Weird Al Yankovic, “White & Nerdy”
- The Beatles, “All You Need is Love”
- That song from the bar scene in“Star Wars”
- Choose a type of neckware.
- Sweat towel
- Hand-knitted scarf
- Bow tie
- Daisy chain
- What is your favorite type of beans?
- Mexican jumping beans
- Raw green beans
- Bean bag chair
- Jelly beans
- Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans
- Soy beans
- Magic beans
- What’s the best type of dinosaur?
- Woolly Mammoth
- It’s a magical liopleurodon, Charlie
- How do you want to die?
- SARS (Shower-Acquired Respiratory Syndrome)
- Shark attack
- Crushed by a python
- Brain trauma from stepping on a rake and having the shaft hit me in the face
- What’s your favorite pretentious vocabulary word?
- Ipso facto
- Which woman would you put on the $20 bill?
- Katie Ledecky
- Pamela Anderson
- Mrs. Doubtfire
- Harriet Tubman
- Marie Curie
- Janis Joplin
- Betty White
If you voted mostly 1s: Locker Room Shower.
Your life hasn’t gone the way you thought it would (but not necessarily in a bad way). You never thought you would ever see so many penises concurrently, especially not while you were also naked. But, you know? It’s not as bad as you thought it would be, and you underestimated the camaraderie. Your friends have started to notice that you shower longer with other people than by yourself, but what can you say? Time flies when you’re having fun.
If you voted mostly 2s: Cold Shower.
You’re pragmatic, frugal, and always add a refreshing (if sometimes unwanted) dose of reality to someone’s day. Whatever your real name is, your friends often refer to you as “Debbie.” In conversation, your contributions are always well-tolerated and only sometimes ignored, and you’re always the life of the awkward silence. A cold shower is the best way to start your day, because then the rest of the day will be easy and pleasant by comparison.
If you voted mostly 3s: Outdoor Shower.
There’s nowhere you’d rather be than lying on the beach. You’re laid back, content to go with the flow. You would bathe in the ocean itself if it offered any sanitary benefits or you had the power to repeal public nudity laws, but until that day you have to bathe behind the four trusty wooden walls of a beachside outdoor shower. You’re drawn to the idea of trying to clean yourself with a glorified garden hose while standing on the same ground that got you dirty in the first place—by the time you get back inside it’s like you never even left the beach!
If you voted mostly 4s: Showers of Affection.
You’re such a nice, wholesome person that the only showers in your life consist of compliments, which you bestow on your loved ones with near-reckless abandon. No one is ever unloved in your presence, but unfortunately all your doting can’t keep you physically clean, so hopefully that damned nurse shows up to give you your sponge bath soon.
If you voted mostly 5s: Bridal Shower.
You’re practically glowing today (cleaner than any shower could get you), even if Trish tried to upstage you with that Vera Wang dress and her god damned $500 Gucci handbag. But it’s OK, because, compared to Beth sitting next to you, you look radiant—at least until you get down and dirty in a few weeks on the honeymoon 😉
If you voted mostly 6s: Lab Safety Shower.
You’re so hardcore, the only thing worth showering for is when you literally spill toxic chemicals on yourself. Sure, the stench of your body and room may repel both man and beast, you want to be judged not by the smell of your laundry but the contents of your pocket protector. That is, at least until your friends start intentionally spilling chemicals on you to make you go shower.
If you voted mostly 7s: Meteor Shower.
Man, the only showers you need are the ones Mother Nature gives you, and the best one of all is the meteor shower. Laying out under the stars with Mary Jane, contemplating the cosmic expanse of the universe, trying to find some snacks…wait, was I supposed to be talking about showers? Man, showers are just how the man gets you to conform, man.
If you voted mostly 8s: Shower? I barely even know ‘er!
You have excellent taste in humor (if you do say so yourself). You’re the life of every party, whether the party likes it or not. You are the chief feminist among your friends, constantly considering the female perspective on every comment and educating your comrades about “what she said” at every opportunity. Your wit and creativity are unparalleled, and none of your friends ever cringe or compare you to their dads when you regale them with your whip-smart witticisms. Keep it up, people will definitely still want to be friends with you.