In a stunning upset, Mr. Clean has been voted People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2017.
Seemingly out of nowhere, the cleaning product’s mascot emerged from a cutthroat field, beating out contenders like Leonardo DiCaprio, 2016 winner Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, and perennial favorite Jeb Bush.
Mr. Clean’s candidacy was largely driven by a concentrated effort on the part of his parent company, Procter & Gamble (P&G). The backbone of the campaign came in the form of a multimillion-dollar Super Bowl advertisement produced by P&G.
The ad portrayed Mr. Clean as caring, attentive, and ridiculously attractive, resplendent in his form-fitting trademark white outfit.
The ad concluded with the revelation that Mr. Clean was actually the husband of the woman he had just been so seductively cleaning for, after which the couple began having sex on the very table the mascot had just finished cleaning.
The ad was accompanied by a P&G press release explaining that, among other things, “Mr. Clean can get dirty. Mr. Clean proves he’s got what it takes to satisfy your needs in every room of the house.”
Born as Veritably Clean in 1957, Mr. Clean quickly rose to the top of the cleaning mascot world, surpassing contemporaries such as the anthropomorphic Scrubbing Bubbles brushes, which, unlike Mr. Clean, are virtually impossible to sexualize.
Unfortunately, the only way to go from the top is down. In the ‘80s, Veritably Clean became Veritably Unclean after a cocaine bust resulted in lost work and even stints in jail and rehab.
Clean moved beyond this, however, and vowed to redouble his efforts to cleaning up both his own life and the lives of those around him—he has remained clean ever since. For him to reclaim his lost status as a universally-recognized, red-blooded American sex symbol marks a return at last to his former glory.
Even at sixty, Clean cuts a rather alluring figure—perpetually clothed in white, he stands a stately 6 feet 3 inches, weighs 225 pounds, and is, according to community member Max Pagnucco, “basically just completely yoked.”
Mr. Clean also sports a single gold earring, which Pagnucco referred to as “totally the key to his whole look.”
Overall, Clean could best be physically described as a better version of Mike Pence.
Mr. Clean was not available for comment, as he was created with literally no voice, though statements were made available through P&G.
The company says that Clean is honored and humbled by his election, and says that his daily beauty routine consists largely of dousing himself with scientifically unsafe amounts of hazardous cleaning supplies, all of which are available through Proctor & Gamble.