“If you support Trump, unfriend me.”
“Swipe in the direction of your political views.”
“Don’t you dare add me on Yo unless you support the emancipation of all whales in captivity.”
Tired of seeing these posts on all your social media accounts? Mentally and physically exhausted of having to click “remove friend” every time you learn someone on Facebook has the audacity to disagree with you?
Well, let me introduce you to the hottest new social media platform—Echo!
Echo gives you all of your favorite features of your traditional social media—stickers, pokes, facial recognition, sponsored video content—without any of those old-fashioned hassles like having to add your own friends.
People used to make friends based on trivial details like “growing up together,” “geographic proximity,” or “shared interests,” but Echo makes all of that a thing of the past.
With Echo, you create a profile with your basic demographic info and all your detailed political views, and it matches you with whoever most agrees with you. Your feed, called a “Chamber,” will only include posts from people who share in your most specific opinions.
Traditional social media was great at connecting nearby acquaintances into a semblance of friendship, but these days those kinds of relationships can’t survive the increasingly stringent ideological filters through which all of our daily experiences must now pass.
So rather than get to know people for who they are or attempt to make real human contact, let our algorithms make sure that every rant posted and article shared are in exact accordance with your existing worldview.
Of course, diversity is important, so we do allow friends with as low as 90 percent agreement with you, but if you ever dislike any of their posts they will be automatically banned from your feed for life.
Imagine your ideal Facebook news feed. Is it populated with birthers, #Pizzagate, and millionaire duck call manufacturers?
Organic, gluten-free vegans with foot fetishes?
9/11 truthers and nostalgic people sharing middle school viral videos?
No problem—we have all of that and more.
Even the apolitical can use Echo. If you feel like just an innocent meme connoisseur caught in the crossfire between your crazy HuffPost- and Breitbart-posting friends? With one click you can set your profile to “100 percent cat memes,” and enjoy sweet, uncontroversial feline euphoria.
You may argue, “But, good sir, I already police my news feeds with as much religious zeal as the racist bigots whom I’m trying so hard to remove from my life! I’ve already constructed my perfect ideological bubble!”
This may be true, but imagine a site where you could achieve the same effect without having to spend the time to scrutinize every casual acquaintance’s opinions. Or without the awkwardness of having to unfriend dear Uncle Chuck, who’s just a little too passionate about the legalization of prostitution.
Everyone knows it is a fundamental human right to ignore anything that upsets you or even engenders mild discomfort, but even by purging your social media of dissenting views involves having to see them, thereby still exposing yourself to discomfort! Echo steps in as middleman between you and unpleasantness, freeing up your time to post more rants about Crooked Hillary or Cheating Tom Brady.
And the best part about Echo is its efficiency at finding your moral compadres wherever they may be. Most social media sites require you to meet someone in real life or at least virtually, learn each other’s names, and look each other up. Think of how many potential identical ideologues may be out there whom you may never meet in real life.
Instead of having to go through the tedious process of engaging people in real life, adding them online, and then culling the infidels, Echo allows you to sort by opinion first, so you never have to waste time getting to know anyone who isn’t worth your time.
Once you enter your custom Echo Chamber, you’ll never want to turn back—just ask one of the over 500,000 people who have already joined.
“I used to spend hours and hours angrily arguing with my so-called ‘friends’ on Facebook,” said Justine Trombone, long-time user and well-known genius.
“Now I can spend my time angrily ranting with sympathetic friends. It’s made my life so much better.”
So if you love to hear yourself talk, join us, and you’ll never have to hear anyone else’s voice again.