1. Another case of affluenza has been reported in Tarrant County, Texas. Doctors say that it isn’t contagious, but can be passed down from parent to child.
2. A missing cat turned up some 250 miles away from its home one year after its disappearance. Said the cat’s seven-year-old owner, “See, mom and dad were right, Snuggles did go on a trip 250 miles away—but they said he’d never come back.” Said the parents, “Wait, what did we bury in the backyard?”
3. A man says he was abducted by extraterrestrial creatures years ago after walking home from drinking. He commented that he was then subsequently paralyzed, looked at by a “cone-head” alien, and warned that the world would end in 850 years. Just when things seemed like they couldn’t get any worse, the aliens put on their “Make America Great Again” hats.
4. The Lincoln Memorial is set to undergo a multi-million dollar renovation over the next four years, fixing cracks and working on the chamber beneath the statue. In the words of Abraham Lincoln, a memorial divided cannot stand.
5. A new study finds that folks who marry less attractive individuals can still be as happy as those who marry equally attractive partners. The study is being called into question, as it was done by researchers who were, at best, sixes.
6. A Vermont tattoo parlor is offering free tattoos of Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders. Business has been booming for the past week, although some have complained that the tattoo leans a little too far to the left.
7. Last Sunday, millions of Americans celebrated Valentine’s Day—a day that honors St. Valentine, a kindhearted Roman priest who married young couples, against the wishes of Emperor Claudius II. The emperor eventually called for St. Valentine to be beheaded, which reminds us of St. Valentine’s last words, “Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m about to lose my hea—.”
8. Researchers have proven that women are better multitaskers than men. I had a joke for this one, but you can’t expect me to type and think of a joke at the same time.
9. The NBA hosted its All-Star game this weekend, with the West defeating the East by a score of 196–173. The West fell just short of 200 points, which is being attributed to the East’s lockdown defense.
10. An article discussing Super Bowl performer Beyoncé notes that at an early age, she fell in love with singing—even to songs like, “The Alphabet Song.” So much so, she married two of its letters.