1. 160,000 dollars worth of cheese was stolen from a semi-tractor trailer in Germantown, Wisconsin. This was the second cheese-related incident of the week, as just a few days prior, nearly 90,000 dollars of Parmesan went missing. Police believe the suspects to be either a few scheming thieves—or one 800-pound mouse.

2. After takeoff, a Chinese woman found that she was the only passenger on the plane. It was swell, until she realized that the pilots were missing as well.

3. McDonald’s has decided to replace toys in Happy Meals with books.  

4. This proves that the best way to make kids go out and exercise is to put a book in their Happy Meal.

5. A new study suggests that one in four people admit to drinking their own urine. The other three said they preferred someone else’s.

6. A man legally named Beezow Doo-doo Zopittybop-bop-bop has been accused of assaulting numerous police officers. Born with the last name Wilschke, Beezow changed his name—because he was tired of seeing it misspelled.

7. A missing cat was found 80 pounds heavier after living for 14 months in a pet food factory. Also missing from the factory: one small worker.

8. The Washington Post released an article commenting that the “Obama is a Muslim” theory is still echoing in the Middle East. The article also cites a 2014 poll that found that 54 percent of Republicans believed that Obama was a Muslim. I’ll take the conspiracy a step further. It’s funny, I’ve never met anyone with the name Barack, or Obama, and yet somehow our last two presidents have shared that name. Two presidents with similar names? Let me guess, our next president’s last name will be Clinton.

9. A Domino’s delivery man stabbed a customer after arguing over a late pizza delivery. After the victim was seriously maimed and close to death, Domino’s sent out another large pizza to finish that punk off for good.

10. A woman is demanding a lifetime supply of Kit Kats after she found packages without the wafer ingredient. As much as she wants some Kits Kats, she could really use a Snickers.

11. A poll found that just one in four married couples kiss during sex. Said the one upon reading the results, “No, I said that I don’t kiss my partner during sex.”

GOP says: Ban schools

This past Friday, GOP lawmakers announced a party-wide initiative to end school shootings by banning schools.

Women’s Basketball advances to Sweet 16

The Yellowjackets defeated Stevens Institute of Technology and Marymount University at home this past weekend to advance in the Division III tournament, setting up the rival match.

Author Forman talks transforming the criminal system

His narrative focused on the political, historical, and imaginative constraints on these local leaders, which he used in explaining how a legal system with ample black leadership could still lead to the mass incarceration of African-Americans.