With so many strong candidates this current presidential race, it can often seem difficult to discern who among them is worthy of the toughest job on the planet. Could sweet, simple Jeb really shoot down anyone in our airspace with the same tenacity (possibly psychopathy) that Chris Christie could? I wanted answers.
In today’s complex world, nothing gives me greater pleasure than classifying and labeling everything. There’s a warm feeling that comes from putting an entire group of ideas or people into a box. In order to achieve this level of classification and clarity with the current presidential candidates, I sat down with political analyst David Zoltick to hear his thoughts on each of those fine men and women.
“Here is what I’m going to say about the matter,” he said with both hands clasped beneath his chin. He paused for a while, pensive, and finally exclaimed, “If I could speak to the issue, I think what you have in these candidates can best be explained through various flavors of ice cream.” Being an inquisitive learner, I leaned in to hear David’s raw genius at work.
Martin O’Malley: Marty is a classic banana sorbet. If anyone would bother to give it a chance, you’d actually probably like it. All its ingredients are good quality and the flavors are definitely likeable, but at the end of the day, who would pick banana? I mean, seriously. That’s like an ice cream that two percent of Americans would pick. I’m not trying to be mean, though I mean, it’s really not bad, but I’m not going to pick banana. I’m just not.
Hillary Clinton: That woman is straight-up vanilla, all the way. Standard, simple, and prepared for any situation. To be honest, nobody really wants vanilla over everything else. We want the chocolate that we’ve loved for so long, but vanilla is okay, too. It’s definitely not my first choice, but who would say no to vanilla?
Bernie Sanders: Hmmm…. Bernie… You know, they have this new flavor in Colorado called Cannabis Cream. Supposedly, it tastes kind-of like a mix of Half Baked and figs—edgy, and kind-of gritty. But I’ll tell you one thing. Fans of this flavor are crazy devoted. I mean, these people are 100-percent for this ice cream sweeping the nation—as long as they can remember where their car is.
Ben Carson: That man is smooth. He’s this delicious zen butter that people always love at first. You are lured in with the soothing draw of the sesame seeds. Everything is just warmer and simpler with zen butter. The problem is that you forget that the ice cream is, at its core, permeating your brain with freezing-cold unhealthiness. The flavor isn’t really crazy or dangerously unhealthy, it’s just way too unhealthy to be chosen as a serious candidate–ice cream flavor! Sorry. I meant ice cream flavor.
Donald Trump: Trump is like cake batter. Why? Because no matter what you tell yourself about how childish, unhealthy, and cheap it is, you want it. Everybody will pretend they don’t, but when you reach hour three of a kid’s birthday party, all the dads will be crowded around the table taking fistfuls of the stuff like animals. Meanwhile, the moms will quietly suggest that we just stop having ice cream altogether.
Mike Huckabee: Mikey is the most honest American flavor out there. He is a sweet corn custard with sprinkles. What are those sprinkles? Southern warmth, a smile fit for the TV world, and an iron grip on anything those damned liberals spew from their politically-correct pie holes. I’m just sick of people trashing a flavor of ice cream so genuine that it literally tastes like corn on the cob on the fourth of July.
Ted Cruz: Tutti frutti comes to mind when I think of Cruz. The man has a pop and pizzazz to him that you’d expect to be really exhilarating for a lot of devout ice cream enthusiasts, and really terrifying for the ice cream establishment. I mean, tutti frutti has a sass and flavor that’s so aggressive, it’s almost too much!
Jeb Bush: He really reminds me of the new flavor, cayenne chocolate. The original chocolate was a strong favorite for a lot of the country. A while back they tried revamping the chocolate brand with a new twist: peanut butter. It was actually pretty successful, to the point where people chose it twice as much as it probably deserved in surveys. Ultimately, the low quality of ingredients and crafting ended up disappointing many. Now, they’ve tried this third flavor and it just gets zero traction. Whether it’s in online ice cream–picking surveys or live competitions, what little punch this flavor packs is always dwarfed by the newer, brasher flavors.
Chris Christie: Talk about punch! That man is a pineapple passionfruit with a cherry on top! It’s not the most popular choice in ice cream parlors, but when somebody has a spoonful, they have to take a step back. Never has so much hardcore bravado and pop been jammed into one cone. It’s like the ice cream is eating you instead.
Carly Fiorina: Ah, Carly. I would peg her as black licorice (with a hint of lime). When you first see a scoop of it on display, you’re excited, because it’s something new and bold for the ice cream establishment. But nothing is more of an acquired taste than black licorice. I’m serious, I’ve tried it so many times with a totally open mind, but it’s just like biting into a lemon with a nasty flavor surrounding it. This one will turn your smiles upside down. Actually, scratch that. I don’t think you should associate smiling with black licorice.
Rand Paul: Blueberry goat cheese is the best classification for Rand. This ice cream is known for being a new and daring approach to ice cream. The flavor is unapologetic and strong to the last spoonful, even if somebody should’ve finished it off hours ago.
Marco Rubio: Once, when I was a little kid, I tried tomato sorbet. As far as ice creams go, it just looks so fresh and appealing compared to its surrounding boring sorbets. The problem with tomato, though, is that nobody would ever pick it when there is all that fun tutti frutti and cake batter sitting in the container. Yelling at you to pick it. Calling the other ice creams losers.