Humor Editors

After discussing a presidential campaign for a week, Erik Chiodo and Chris Horgan have decided that was enough forum. The following includes the platform for the presidential and vice presidential candidates, Chiodo and Horgan.

Giving power back to the students 

Studies have shown that students at UR lack sufficient power, which is why, as a team, we are currently working on developing a medicine that will give each student superpowers. These include the ability to spend declining wisely, the ability to find a parking space and the ability to declare a major without procrastinating.

Solid relations with deans

We’ve spent countless hours familiarizing ourselves with deans, as we feel that this gives us the best chance to provide a more fulfilling school year for current students. We have come to know the following deans very well: Dean Martin, Jimmy Dean, Dean from the Iron Giant movie, Dean Smith and James Dean.

We don’t embrace inequalities

Inequalities have been brought to our attention during the past couple semesters—during lecture while talking to friends, during meals and in our own consciences. Therefore, to counteract and to take a stand against inequalities, we have refused to take part in anything related to inequalities, such as calculus and linear equations.

Experience

Some say that politicians are human, too. Between the two of us, we have a total of 39 years being human. We feel that our experience in lack of experience makes up for any experience we haven’t yet experienced. As a team, we will work tirelessly not to make any rash decisions without consulting a doctor, as rashes can lead to serious complications if not treated properly.

Student connection to Wi-Fi

We believe in separation of student and Wi-Fi. Some students have complained to us about their connection to the school’s Wi-Fi. We can’t address this complaint because currently, humans are incapable of physically connecting to Wi-Fi.  Conclusion

Most importantly, we want each and every individual at UR to pursue what they are passionate about without caving in to the pressure of naysayers or a single individual telling you that you can’t do something. In the end, all we want to achieve is what’s best for each and every student. Stu Dent, a freshman, is our main constituent, currently pulling all of the strings. If what’s best for the students is us not running, then we won’t run. Actually, we have just been told by a single person that if we were elected it would be detrimental to the Students’ Association government. Therefore, we would like to take this opportunity to announce that we will be removing ourselves from the election.

For more information, re-read our platform.

Chiodo is a member of
the class of 2017.

Horgan is a member of
the class of 2017.



Arson bill gets burned

Late Friday night, the U.S. House of Representatives brought down a bill to ban Arson® brand lighter fluid in a straight party-line vote.

Roc Rower faces gender bias in Azerbaijan

Schell couldn’t ignore the culturally-accepted habit of men staring at women.

Wambach book signing delights fans, points to success for College Town

"I’m here because Rochester has been such a valuable part of my career. There’s no better way to come and celebrate with the people that helped me grow up, helped me learn about myself."