1. The Utah House of Representatives has voted to restore the use of execution by firing squad. 

Although this leaves convicted criminals on the wrong end of things, it most importantly gives aspiring executioners a shot.

2. An Ohio man pleaded guilty to selling fake urine for drug tests. 

That’s what you get when your career entails watching your hard work go down the drain.

3. An Australian woman won the annual race up the Empire State Building with a time of just 12 minutes.

When asked how she felt after the race, she replied, “It feels good to be on top.”

4. A gigantic sign reading, “Keep your eyes on the road” is being put up on a highway in the Midwest. 

Again, a big, distracting sign is being put up to ensure that drivers keep their eyes on the road.

5. A crash on an interstate in Alabama was caused by a trucker pulling a tooth. 

“I was out of money for the toll and there was a pillow in the passenger seat,” said the driver.

6. Former Knicks guard JR Smith participated in the NBA’s first fashion show in New York this past weekend.

This marks the first time in a while that JR gave a solid performance in Madison Square Garden.

7. A gun found inside of a book was donated to a Maine Goodwill store.

This was the book’s attempt to scare off anyone who tried to judge it by its cover.

8. Police in New Hampshire have issued an arrest warrant for Punxsutawney Phil for not predicting the “mountainous” amounts of snow.

For Punxsutawney Phil, we can expect at least six more weeks of prison.

9. An angry owl in an Oregon park attacked its fourth victim.

Witnesses claimed that the owl proclaimed, “filthy muggles,” after the unexpected attack.

Horgan is a member of
the class of 2017.



An interview with the Nationals-qualifying UR Quidditch team

The UR Thestrals, the University’s Quidditch team, recently participated in the US Quidditch Cup in Salt Lake City, Utah on April 23-24.

CPE holds voter registration drives to boost turnout

With midterm elections rapidly approaching, students in the Center for Political Engagement are working to increase student engagement with the voting process.

Dean Burns speaks on coming discrimination, harassment code of conduct changes

For the last two years, a team of students and administrators have been meeting to change the student code of conduct around issues of discrimination and harassment. On Monday, Dean of Students Matthew Burns announced they are close to a final draft of the new policy.