1. A 94-year-old male driver blasted through a car wash at 40 miles an hour.

Police find these occurrences difficult to investigate because most offenders get away cleanly. 

2. A Michigan man jumped in an ice fishing hole to retrieve his cell phone. 

He was surpsised to find that his stupid screen had frozen.

3. A study shows that eight hours is the perfect amount of sleep in order to control your dreams.

So, practice dreaming, and before you know it, you’ll be able to do it in your sleep.

4. A thief attempted to break into a department store by sneaking in through the ceiling. However, he revealed his cover after falling through the roof in front of the store’s manager.

This only contributes to the town’s drop in crime.

5. Authorities are looking back into a hot air balloon crash in Massachusetts this summer after new evidence has led investigators to place guilt in a local organization. 

The group includes a New England quarterback and his head coach.

6. The CT is introducing a new group of copy editors.

Hopefully their prepared and ready to make a definate impact,

7. Miss Colombia Paulina Vega was recently named Miss Universe. 

Let her be an inspiration to all doubting their ability to overcome being beautiful.

8. Emma Watson was recently added to the cast of a live action “Beauty and the Beast.”

It is still unclear whether she’ll be the “Beauty” or the “Beast.”

9. A new study shows that fast food can actually slow down learning. 

This explains why people still keep eating it.

10. The CT is encouraging writers and editors to follow the CT Style Guide more precisely.

The CT Style Guide says nothing about guys wearing crop tops. In fact, it gives absolutely no advice on style at all. The 2015 guide should at least give us some sense of what’s cool to wear.

11. The New York Knicks have continued their rough season by losing their 37th game. 

If I had to die by firing squad, I’d want it to be at the hands of the Knicks because they can’t shoot.

12. A penis-shaped cloud formed over a town in Wales.

Hopefully there won’t be any precipitation.

Horgan is a member of
the class of 2017.



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