Alright, I get it. It’s that time of year again and it looks as if it is all going to end for me. Last year, my fellow turkeys and I bought deer costumes to wear in order to disguise ourselves during hunting season. It didn’t end well. I would like to make some suggestions to make the turkey hunt a little fairer, so let’s talk turkey.

First of all, let us have guns too. How would you like it if we cooked you for Thanksgiving dinner? Gobble gobble? No, after we took one shot at your leg you’d be wobble-hobbling. Just kidding, you humans already know that we don’t need to eat anything on Thanksgiving because we’re usually stuffed, by you guys. Why stop there? These ideas seem to be cooking up well. Second, you guys should have to wear blindfolds while hunting. Maybe then you and your pals might second guess tricking us with turkey calls, huh? Not to mention, you humans are discriminatory. I tried out for the Detroit Lions football team, but the contract only lasted until the day before Thanksgiving. What was that about? Plus, life as a turkey has been pretty tough  of late. I started talking to this pig who seemed pretty chill, but she left me so I don’t think she was taking it seriously. I guess that’s what you get for going for a ham. But I still want to live, humans. I am not very fond of the relationship that the turkey has with the human. If we could talk right before you started cooking us, I’m sure we’d have a ton to say. Did you know the Ten Commandments say thou shall not kill? This should be applied to turkeys. You better hope that I’m not contaminated with E. coli. If so, this could be the last Thanksgiving for both of us. This might sound a little cold-hearted, but that’s because we’ve been frozen in your freezer for the past week. But it’s a tradition, so that makes it okay. No turkey has ever said anything about it because turkeys can’t talk. So in the Thanksgiving spirit, what is it that I am thankful for? I’m thankful that Thanksgiving is only once a year.

Horgan is a member of

the class of 2017. 

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