I was sitting with some friends watching Baylor and Kansas play on ESPN when one of the well-known “Life Alert” advertisements came on. I could only wonder what in the world the cameraman was doing in those ads. I mean, who could just stand around and film an elderly person falling without calling for help? The cameraman must have ran out of either battery or common sense. But that’s beside the point. The game continued, Baylor with their extremely bright lime green uniforms and Kansas with their normal home jerseys. As the game progressed, it started to lose its high-paced tempo. And I wondered, how could we make basketball even more exciting to watch than it already is? Here are ten recommendations to enhance basketball in our society.
10.) The first one is not so obvious, but when you think about it, it makes perfect sense. Replace every commentator with Rick Jeanneret and Martha Stewart. Think about it. “Top shelf where mama hides the cookies,” a trademark call by Jeanneret, makes absolutely no sense in basketball, but Martha Stewart knows a lot about cookies, so she could really elaborate on Jeanneret’s statement. She could give a new meaning to the phrase “shake and bake” or “it’s a great dish” on a basketball court. Right after a team turns the ball over, Martha Stewart could give some great recipes for apple turnovers.
9.) Make it noticeably more difficult than tennis. Take the backboard away-there aren’t any rebounds if you miss a shot in tennis. Also, put a net in the middle of the basketball court. We like to see people with ridiculous verticals, don’t we? And maybe add some wind and a sun. I’ve never heard a basketball player blame a missed shot on the wind blowing a ball out of bounds or the sun blinding him on a shot. Why should basketball players be spared the vagaries of mother nature?
8.) I’m a big soccer guy, so I think basketball should integrate some soccer rules in the game. Any time you commit a foul, you should be red carded and sent off the court. This idea is completely flawless as long as you don’t have Joey Crawford as your referee. He calls fouls as if he inhaled and exhaled through his whistle.
7.) Way too many calls. There are calls for delaying the game, calls for double dribbling, and calls for reaching in. Even the NSA couldn’t keep track of all of these calls. And another thing, commentators should elaborate when they call someone for traveling. A location would be nice. Or after a player travels, he or she should have to pay some sort of ticket fee, just like the rest of us. Ultimately, they should lighten up on traveling calls. It’d be a step in the right direction, seeing how one of the most legendary basketball teams is called the Globetrotters.
6.) Add a few levels to the game. It’s difficult to find a person who doesn’t enjoy a good game of Super Mario Bros. Simply throw a bunch of coins and mushrooms all over the court and give every player three lives to begin with. At the end, the winning team has to battle Wario.
5.) I think there should be a more literal interpretation of what each position can do. For example, every shooting guard should be required to carry a water gun and have a license to bear arms. And if you are a forward, you should only be able to move in that direction. Also, every player should have to gravitate around those who play the center position. Or, the center has to stay in the center of the court for the entire game.
4.) Every time a player scores, he or she must immediately sign an autograph for a kid in the crowd. Right after Kobe Bryant swishes a jumper, he has to run over and sign little Joey’s Lakers hat. This will finally stop Kobe Bryant from shooting so much. The guy takes so many shots in a game that he practically needs a designated driver to take him home when he’s done, unlike a guy like the Knicks’ JR Smith, who might need a designated driver just to get him to the rim.
3.) The worst team in the league shouldn’t be allowed to have a website since they can’t even string three W’s together.
2.) Do away with King James as a nickname for LeBron James. He’s easily the best player in the NBA today. I don’t have anything against him personally; in fact, I think he is a great success story. But, in a country that prides itself on democracy, it’s unconstitutional to have a monarchy in the NBA. People call him King James for crying out loud. King James, indeed! Our founding fathers are probably shaking in their graves.
1.) Give Buffalo back the Braves. Simply put, Buffalo is a sports city. And it’s an amazing getaway vacation for anyone not named William McKinley.
Chris Horgan is a member of the class of 2017