1. A squirrel in a Fort Wayne community center got into the electrical system and ended up costing the center $300,000 worth of damage. After causing a power surge that fried the systems, sources say the squirrel did not survive.
2. A group in Oklahoma is protesting the restriction of same-sex marriage.
All they would like is a mandate.
3. A robotic deer is being used by Floridian deputies to catch illegal hunters in the act.
“Could have used you guys,” said Bambi.
4. A Florida woman was arrested after a topless rampage at McDonald’s.
Apparently, bare breasts weren’t on the dollar menu.
5. A Massachusetts home intruder turned out to be a duck.
However, lawsuits are still being filed against the robber ducky.
6. A man was lost at sea after performing a Californian beach baptism.
Now he has all the water he needs.
7. A school in Kyrgyzstan closed due to an onslaught of snakes.
The real focus of concern was the snake that convinced a little girl named Eve to eat an apple from the tree in the garden.
8. A couple monkeys recently escaped from a zoo. Sources close to the zoo are saying that the monkeys were not fond of the food that zoologist Rudy Yellen had been feeding to them.
“It was Rudy that killed the feast,” said one chimpanzee.
9. Americans everywhere are preparing for Easter Sunday, leaving many completely egg-hausted.
10. A test in which patient’s ability to smell peanut butter is being studied for its potential to diagnose Alzheimer’s.
And now for the joke–wait, what was the topic? And didn’t I order a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich for dinner? All I smell is jelly.
11. A recent study proves that traumatic brain injuries frequently lead to headaches.
This, of course, was a surprise to the scientists that believed a traumatic brain injury led to ankle soreness.
12.The Buffalo Bills are offering free season tickets for life if you can correctly guess their 2014 schedule.
Or in other words, your odds to win are just as good as the Bills’ odds to win a playoff game.
13. Temperatures at some Major League Baseball games have been hit with a cold front.
“Take me out to the snowball game.”
Horgan is a member of the class of 2017.