Incoming freshman Chad Hunter could hardly contain his enthusiasm when he posted “Go Yellowjackets!” on UR’s “Class of 2018” Facebook page this Tuesday. The post has been met with much hostility from the UR student body, thus eliminating Hunter’s chances of ever making a friend at the University.
Sophomore Eli Zuckerman explains why Hunter committed a social violation of the highest order. “He’s a simpleton and a meathead, quite frankly. If this Hunter kid thinks he can stroll his way into our school with reckless disregard for a nine-score legacy of apathy, he’s in for a rude awakening.”
Zuckerman says he spends Friday nights in his dorm room reading the New Yorker. “I snapchat the comics to my friends. They don’t get the jokes, but that’s kind of the point.”
Of all the UR social media faux-pas, the blatant display of school spirit is by far the most offensive.
“Sometimes you’ll find incoming freshman who try to find a roommate through a shared quirky hobby or talent. You know the type: they think they’re the bees knees because they started an Insect Collector’s Society in high school,” explains Emily Webber, an admin for the popular Facebook group “UR Eating,” where students express their disgruntlement with the UR dining experience. “Chances are the insect collector kid will be really annoying, but he’ll probably find his place in the school’s Quidditch team or the Strong Jugglers.”
Webber says that students with school spirit have no place to go for consolation on campus. “It’s a crying shame, to be honest. Even the CARE network can’t help these kids – their abrasive feel-goodery just makes us all recoil.”
Inside sources reveal Hunter has made other posts on the “Class of 2018” Facebook page asking what laptop he should buy, and if anyone else listens to Imagine Dragons.
Howard is a member of
the class of 2017.