1. A family in North Dakota found, raised, then released two bunnies into the wild after finding them parentless in their backyard. 

“We’ll take it from here,” said a hawk and two foxes.

2. Three rogue elephants in St. Louis reportedly damaged a car after escaping from a circus. 

I suggest that they assemble a team of highly trained mice to keep these beasts in check.

3. 14 cocaine-filled condoms were intercepted on the way to the Vatican. 

My message to the busted condom dealers—no matter how you interpret it, even a little crack in a condom won’t end well.

4. Two Massachusetts firefighters sang Frozen’s hit song, “Let it Go” to calm a girl stuck in an elevator. 

This approach proved less effective while trying to save a twenty-year-old holding on to a rope on the side of a cliff.

5. New York City recently opened up their first cupcake vending machine. 

Yet another invention helping heart surgeons everywhere be prosperous.

6.  An Ohio firefighter proposed to his sweetheart during a staged school fire drill. 

After being asked “Will you marry me?,” the woman replied, “Shh, no talking, we’re in a fire drill.”

7. A radio station in Canada angered its listeners after burning $5,000 dollars in cash. 

This is also known as buying season tickets for the Philadelphia 76ers basketball team.

8. A woman with the same name as famous pilot Amelia Earhart has intentions of flying a plane around the world. 

If at first you don’t succeed, just wait a century until someone with the same name as you tries again.

9. A Floridian claims to have had $2,000 dollars in goldfish stolen. 

I don’t have too many details for this, but the whole thing sounds kind of fishy.  

Horgan is a member of the class of 2017.


Long-distance friendships aren’t easy

I miss my friends from home. If you don’t, I’m guessing you either didn’t have friends in high school, or you’re just an emotionless person.

I’m religious, not perfect

I realized that I could never live in perfect accordance with the expectations that Christianity laid out for me.

Discouragement, motivation, and other unhelpful tips

Once you make it to hysterical laughter over the thought of the amount of work you have left to do, you’ve reached peak college nihilism. Join the club. I’m so proud of you! /s.