A disgruntled freshman has leaked the existence of an underground fight club at UR, University administrators said Wednesday.

The fight club reportedly began hours after the release of Chemistry 131 midterm grades last week. Teary-eyed freshman men, devastated that their medical school dreams had been shattered, congregated outside Spurrier Hall. Amid the crowd, a voice shouted: “I want you to hit me as hard as you can.”

According to UR Public Safety, some 80 students became involved in the brawl, requiring nearly a dozen peace officers to defuse the situation. Similar incidents have occurred as early as mid-September, Director Walter Mauldin said.

In the past month, University Health Service has performed a record number of tongue and cheek sutures.

“They haven’t stopped coming, the little shits,” UHS Director Ralph Manchester said. “Every Wednesday, they come in more bruised than a Danforth banana.”

Fight club participation has exploded, Manchester said. Public Safety officers discovered that the fights have occupied a makeshift arena inside the abandoned Spurrier pool. Officers found the bolted door to the pool smashed and the walls inside covered in graffiti: “You are not your GPA. You are not your MCAT score. You are all a bunch of socially awkward goobers.”

But these pugilists are doing more than fighting. They disdain everything about the University and actively undermine it when possible, the anonymous freshman said.

Class attendance for males has taken a nosedive. Dandelion Day performer Busta Rhymes was supposedly stuffed into the Rocky suit and driven to Canada after a Sept. 25 show in Buffalo. The most recent incident, a Meliora Weekend punch spiking at the Class of 1968 reunion, started a fist-fight between alumni of the now-defunct Lambda Lambda Lambda fraternity and the YellowJackets a cappella group.

In a surprising move, University President Joel Seligman released a statement to those affected by the scuffle.

“They want to destroy something beautiful,” Seligman said. “Meliora.”

Freshman Dyler Turden has emerged as the de facto leader of this renegade bunch. Upon hearing of our investigation of the fight ring, Turden’s other half dropped off a note to the CT office.

“Join BlueCrew,” the note read.

Brady is a member of the class of 2015.



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