In recent news, University President Joel Seligman had an unfortunate incident on Runescape, a massively popular online RPG, in which the contents of his in-game inventory were “hacked.”
“One moment I’m selling lobbies,” Seligman said. “Nek minnit [sic], I’ve been hacked.”
Although he is still considered a “n00b” by most veteran players, Seligman recently completed the Dragon Slayer quest, arguably the most difficult of non-member quests, enabling him to wear fully rune-plated armor.
According to Seligman, his player, “xxHarvardBallinxx,” was walking through Varrock Square when someone named “Mr. White” asked if he could trim Seligman’s armor for free. Such a request is a common scam well known to most players, but Seligman unknowingly agreed and gave Mr. White his chestplate, helmet, and gauntlets.
Yet instead of receiving a newly trimmed set of armor, Seligman got back nothing and found his character inexplicably transformed into an unresponsive Easter egg.
“Meliora, you sack of piss,” Mr. White typed before logging off.
“I erroneously assumed Mr. White was simply being a good Samaritan,” Seligman said. “Mr. White, he’s the devil.”
According to fellow Runescaper and Dean of the College Richard Feldman, better known online as “SigChi4Lyfe,” Seligman should have known better.
“He’s the smartest guy I’ve ever met, but he was too stupid to see,” Feldman said. “Mr. White made up his mind 10 minutes before robbing him.”
After the alleged “hack,” Seligman orchestrated a citywide manhunt to find the person responsible. A joint effort between Public Safety and the IT Department led to a shocking discovery; the player’s IP address matched that of the computer science interest floor at Rochester Institute of Technology.
According to Seligman, money used for the $2.3 million investigation will contribute to a subsequent increase in next year’s tuition, “a small price to pay for more protection against scamming in online gaming.”
Seligman also filed a complaint to Jagex, the developers of Runescape. But the report has remained ignored, most likely because the incident in question happened in a non-member world.
Seligman’s plan for retribution consists of leveling up his character so he can “PK him in the wilderness and get my shit back.”
In the meantime, Seligman has offered to buy a weeks’ worth of Mel Burgers to the first student to trade him “one rune scimmy.”
Borovcanin is a member of the class of 2014.