From the blogger to the drug addict: the perils, pitfalls and practicalities of penetration

Drue Sokol, Photo Editor

Over the course of your life, you’ll meet many people that you’ll want to have sex with. Some of these people will be great candidates, while others definitely will not. You might be well suited to decide when the time comes, but if you’re horny enough, that’s probably not the case.

This is aimed at uncommitted folks. If you’re dating, married or in a relationship with some religious deity, you are likely aware that there is only one person you “should” be having sex with, or maybe zero. Swingers, singles and infidels, read on.

Anyone with a blog:

The most dangerous people with blogs are those who blog about themselves. The blog doesn’t have to be popular, just one that anyone with a computer and a pulse can find.

Maybe you can handle someone in this category broadcasting details of your sexual habits on the Internet, aka the entire world. Maybe you have nothing to hide, and a little publicity might do you some good.

Well, you have not considered a scenario in which an interviewer can’t take you seriously because he or she has read about you on a blog and is wondering if you really do have a birthmark on your penis and whether or not it’s actually shaped like Africa.

Maybe applying for jobs is not in the near future for you, but the point is that there’s at least one way having sex with a blogger can end poorly. You’re in serious denial if you don’t know why.

One last note on this: Don’t think you’re safe just because the blogger-in-question writes about food, politics or some equally mundane, irrelevant subject. Consider the following: “Man, Huntsman really blew the New Hampshire primary, not unlike Jenny, who blew me last night. They both tried their hardest, but I’d say Jenny came out a-head.” It’s too easy.

Anyone who takes lots of drugs (while you’re sober):

No one wants to hear this, but this category includes alcohol. I won’t get into the legal issues of this (um, it’s illegal) because, regardless, it happens often.

When both participants are inebriated to equal extents, sex isn’t a major problem. Depending on the substance, it’ll probably be mind-blowing, or pretty terrible, but neither of you will remember the details 24 hours later, so unless a trip to the emergency room was involved, the sex hardly matters. When only one person is sober, the situation is even worse.

The big issues have nothing to do with the sex itself, but rather the aftermath. If your buddy even remembers the event, there’s a good chance he or she is regretting it severely.
If the user doesn’t look you in the eye the next day, it’s because he or she woke up realizing the sex was with you and not the hottie from bio lab.

Oops.

If you are the hottie from bio lab, then let’s assume your partner thought you were Olivia Wilde or Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Either way, it’s a major disappointment.
Of course, the exception to this is when you will never see the person again, like if you move overseas. In that case, you’re good to go no matter how much coke your pal has taken.

Anyone you hate:

Some of you are thinking, “No problem, I’d never have sex with someone I hate.” For those who can see the potential benefits of passionate, angry hate sex, I still advise against it.
If you actually hate someone, chances are there’s a good reason why, and you’re not just one romp away from falling in love (unless you live in a romantic comedy).

I’m not talking about the kind of hate that crops up when you see a person littering or wearing a Tapout shirt. No, I mean the hate that can develop when you actually know a person, which can generate strange sexual impulses.

Even if the sex itself goes well, and nobody loses an eye or large chunk of skin, you’re once again left with unpleasant repercussions. If you’re lucky, all you’ll have to deal with is the self-loathing after such a huge breech of your morals. You’re still lucky if your biggest problem is that you can’t face yourself in the mirror for a few days.

There’s a good chance that if you hate your mate, your mate hates you. Perhaps he or she only had sex with you to sneak some herpes into your life or to get your hideous O-face on film.

If the hated person is also a blogger who snorts coke and you are even remotely attracted to him or her, you should just flee the country.

Bazarian is a member of the class of 2013.



You can contact Hannah at hbazaria@u.rochester.edu.

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