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If you were to ask most people who have sex why they do it, I think the majority would respond “because it feels good.” Given that fact, the number of people who have trouble climaxing — or don’t climax at all — is entirely counter-intuitive.

I’m guessing the phrase “erectile dysfunction” has popped into everyone’s minds by now — between Viagra commercials and old-person-sex jokes, the concept is quite familiar. However, I’m bringing it up to tell you that it’s not what I’m referring to. When was the last time you met a guy under 60 with failure to launch issues? That’s what I thought.

To put it simply, the bigger issue with our age group seems to be finishing, not starting. It’s no secret that ladies don’t exactly achieve orgasm at the drop of the hat, and I could spend way more than my allotted space lecturing about clitoral stimulation and G-spots, but I think we’ve all heard enough of that at this point (thanks Cosmo).

More intriguing is when this issue befalls the generally horny and very potent men of our generation. A 20-year-old guy failing to climax after a good bout of bumping uglies must violate some law of nature, right? Surprisingly, though, I hear about this occurrence all the time.

Obviously I’m not an expert, but I do ask people about their sex lives at every opportunity. I’ve heard from more than one guy that the classic penetration method just doesn’t do it for them. Why? Instead of hitting up Ovid, going into research paper mode and boring everyone to tears, I’m opting for some good, old-fashioned speculation.

Intuitively, I want to say nerves are the culprit, and that might be true in some cases, but I’m pretty confident that it often isn’t. If you’ve had sex, you know that even if you started out nervous, it’s pretty hard to retain that feeling 20 minutes in. If the nerves don’t go away, something will go wrong much sooner. On the other hand, if the nerves do go away, it tends to be smooth sailing from there on out.

So then what’s going on? Another possibility is lack of focus. While having sex doesn’t require the same focus as the final stages of Jenga, you do need to give it your undivided attention. Perhaps devoting even the smallest part of your mind to tomorrow’s grocery list is what results in the perma-erection -— your penis has forgotten what’s happening and is stuck in the “on” position.

Sadly, this theory does not explain why some people have this experience routinely and not sporadically. I think this is where real, medical explanations come into play. I won’t even begin to guess at those, in attempt to avoid making a complete idiot of myself. The point is, some biological quirk could be endowing these people with the “superpower” of endless boners. Similar to Clark Kent’s biological super powers, but less awesome.

This is a good place to make a very important point: No matter how awesome being able to fornicate for hours on end may sound, it is ultimately a huge mood killer. As someone who’s been on the other end of this, your partner will almost certainly start to worry that they’re doing something wrong. Even if they aren’t, there is a 100 percent chance that they’ll get sore (unless you buy lube by the gallon), or worse, bored.

If this is something you or your partner are personally struggling with, you’re definitely not alone. As for how to solve the problem, I don’t have much advice to offer, other than maybe writing your groceries down before you head for the bedroom. If you’re really worried and looking for solutions, the most helpful thing to do would be to see a doctor, or possibly a prostitute.

Bazarian is a member of the class of 2013.



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