The River Campus now stands alone. Courtesy of http://upload.wikimedia.org/

After much deliberation, President Joel Seligman declared on Monday that Southside will be separating from the River Campus to form the new University of Rochester South Campus, Online.

This secession is due to the realization that Valentine and deKiewiet Towers are “just too fucking far away,” Seligman said as he addressed the media yesterday. “When you look at a map of our university and then see where Glick is, it’s simply absurd to even think to consider it a part of the River Campus. I can’t believe we are just fixing this error now.”

Despite initial hesitation from Glick residents, the new University of Rochester South, Online students are beginning to relish the move to the web. “I spend all of my time on my computer anyway, so why not go to class there” sophomore URSO student Jenny Lee stated. “That’s just a no-brainer.”

“We all love it!” junior George Zhou Jr. exclaimed. “The secession not only shortens my walk to class from 45 minutes to just a few seconds, but it also significantly lowers the threat of any female interaction I might have.”

“I came to college to learn, not to make friends,” senior Junior Davis Sr. said. “And now that I live almost a full mile away from any socially active, potential ‘friend’ out there, I can dedicate 100 percent of my efforts to school.”

This past Wednesday, incoming URSO freshmen gathered individually on their MacBooks to hear President Nigel Phillips’ deliver the 2011 Convocation speech live via web feed.

“We are proud to open our doors and our browsers to you, the incoming class of 2014,” boomed Phillips into his built-in iPad microphone.

“Here at URSO we understand that not every student is cut out for normal, off-line colleges and their bizarre encouragement of student interaction he commented. That’s why at URSO all you need is your MacBook Pro, a drive to succeed and at least a beta-level proficiency in both JavaScript and C++ Polymorphic Programming. In addition to welcoming an incoming class with an average high school GPA of 3.9, we are proud to announce an overall student body diversity of over 95% international students.”

President Joel Seligman commented further about the change from Southside to URSO: “Furthermore, the building of ‘deKiewiet Tower’ will be renamed ‘Seligman Tower’ because, lets face it, it sounds much better. That name should have been changed years ago.

I don’t care if it was named after the 1951 UR president, Cornelis deKiewiet, his name is stupid. I mean two lower case letters before the first capitalization. That just doesn’t make any sense. Also, two separate ‘ie’ combinations in the same name. I guess I never did learn the last line of the rhyme; “I before E, except after C, or when sounding like A, after ‘d-e- capital K’. I believe that ‘Seligman Tower’ will be a much better fit for this new campus, and, quite frankly, a better name than most other campus buildings.”

Considering that URSO will be Rochester’s first for-profit online school, UR can’t wait to reap the benefits. “We can’t wait for more income to further finance our scholastic vision,” Glen Garvey, the UR Treasurer, said. “Finally we can provide more resources to all of our beloved departments, from Biomedical Engineering to Chemical Engineering, but note that we will be giving nothing to the fake departments that call themselves the ‘humanities.’ Those stupid hippies should just go work for Uncle Dickies and stop wasting their god damn time.”

Garvey then continued for 50 more minutes about “the abomination commonly referred to as ‘the arts’” before ending his speech by screaming, “Long live Science!” as he kicked over his podium and ran to cower in his underground lair underneath the Mechanical Engineering building.

Rubenstein is a member of the class of 2011.



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