After a lengthy discussion with Parking and Transportation Services this Wednesday, the Committee of Alternative Modes of Transportation (CAMT) received authorization to begin construction on the elaborate zip-line project. The 2,148 foot steel cable will stretch from the top of Rush Rhees Library on the River Campus to the front door of Building A in the extremely inconvenient multi-trillion dollar off-campus housing complex of Riverview Apartments.

“This exciting new form of transportation will provide Riverview residents with a quick and safe trip home from campus,” Hannah Leijfer, the Chairman of CAMT said. “Plus, it may even give residents the opportunity to interact with the rest of the student body, as well as the amazing birds of Rochester who often go unrecognized.”

Other CAMT representatives share Leijfer’s enthusiasm for the new line.

“Nicknamed The Falcon One, the zip-line will offer students the only 19th Ward drama-free mode of transportation to their off-campus homes,” reported Senior Vice-President of the technical zip-line affairs and logistics committee of the committee of alternative committee modes of transportation (SVP of the TZLAL of the CAMT) Ryan Arean-Raines.

This whole operation will cost the University upward of $550,000.

“But you can’t put a price on safety,” UR President Joel Seligman stated. “Plus, if our students aren’t safe, their parents will probably stop paying tuition.”
Although this zip-line is being praised by most on campus, not everyone is optimistic.

“It just doesn’t seem safe,” over-protective mother Kelly Kinson cried. “What if a low-flying plane strikes the zip-line? Isn’t there a near by airport? What if 19th-Ward-trained-squirrels chew through the line and it snaps? What if lightning hits it and electrocutes my baby?”

Kinson, who has been unnecessarily freaking out about her son’s safety for years, needed to take a moment to gather herself before continuing. “Now, I’m not saying that walking home late at night past dope dealers and gang-bangers is a good idea either, but I’m just not sure this Falcon business is the best solution,” she said.

Despite a raucous uproar from parents, the zip-line construction is scheduled to begin next month.

“There are always going to be skeptics,” Chief Construction Coordinator Sam Mindlin said. “But the students need this. Or at least we’ll tell them that they need it, so they will eventually blindly fund the project until its completion. Probably after they have all graduated, just like all the kids who paid for Riverview to begin with.”

The only remaining question is how the second student will use the zip-line after the handlebars are all the way down at Riverview. In future news, plans for Falcon Two are in production to build a cable car system to Riverview. It is set to be completed in 2020.



‘Speak No Evil’ is so AAAAAAAAAAAAAH

"Speak No Evil" is one of the best movies I’ve seen this year. But if I recommend it, nobody will ever talk to me again.

“Destroyed by mouth sounds:” a cappella demolition

His basic game plan: attract attention with a high D and wrist flourish to distract passerby, while the demolition team’s other members bulldoze campus property with equipment rescued from that one Elmwood Avenue construction site.

Life is pay to win. College? The giant paywall

For a game that preaches freedom of choice, there are an awful lot of decisions essentially made for us. Exhibit A: the decision to play at all.