I’m going to say it. I’m going to bite the bullet, don my military headgear and troop out into the forest clearing to yell it to the treetops. Startle the birds into the sky and feel the ground rumble with my high-decibel declaration: Female ejaculation is a myth.

I know, I know. I feel like as a sex columnist it’s my job to promote the more unusual, technically advanced stuff, and as a reader relatively learned in the theories of feminism, I should be celebrating the revelation that we ladies can liquidly get ours. I should take squirting seriously. Probably.

But instead I am giggling, watching a video of a female ejaculation expert who slicks his palms up with grapeseed oil and practices his skills on a loose-limbed girlfriend. I’m watching the video evidence of this man’s manual capabilities (quite impressive I must say), and I think this looks simultaneously hot and hilarious. Can this really be possible, with a little self-meditation, intensive Tantric training or even simple partnership unity? Should I get out a pen and take notes?

Sexologist researchers (yes, start re-evaluating your career path) can’t agree whether squirting is legitimate. The German physician Ernst Grfenberg, who incidentally, became the ‘G” in the elusive bugger we call the ‘G spot,” published the first medical research to address the phenomenon in 1950.

He eloquently wrote, ‘This convulsory expulsion of fluids occurs always at the acme of orgasm and simultaneously with it. Occasionally the production of fluids is so profuse that a large towel has to be spread under the woman to prevent the bed sheets getting soiled.” How very quaint. And does this Grfenberg fellow hold office hours?

While Grfenberg was renowned for his research elsewhere, at the time of its publication his paper received little more than a yawn-accompanied glance from the medical community.

The general consensus seemed to say, ‘Big whoop. Things gets wet.”
But once the idea of female ejaculation gained supporters in 1981 with the publication of a full-length, graphic report, one which confirmed his findings, Grfenberg’s work was resurrected and waved as definitive proof. Horny women everywhere rejoiced.

But both the 1950 and 1981 reports indicate that women who experience the fluidity of the female form are equipped with an increased amount of prostate tissue (apparently women have it too), suggesting that the plethora of videos just a mouse click away are exceptions to the no-squirt rule of thumb. Recent evidence has illuminated that certain physical preconditions have to be met in a woman before she can attain a

‘We-Are-the-Champions” squirter status, or earn that blue ribbon, so physiology be damned.

And horny women everywhere sighed.

So, honestly, it’s hard for me to imagine that this intensive squirt-inducing process that this guy is so honorably undertaking is something I’d like to even try. I wonder whether grapeseed oil smells nice or whether they do this at dinner parties. Whether she is still awake.

As the expert warms up his palms for another five-minute physical foray, I’m thinking: What’s wrong with a little old-fashioned orgasming?

Personally, I don’t need sneeze-inducing aromatherapy or practiced Tantric technique, deep breath meditations or heated towels under my adorably pale butt. Load me up with some exquisitely near-infinite foreplay, hell, load any woman up with some exquisitely near-infinite foreplay, and we’ll be purring in your lap like the Pussycat Doll you know we are waiting to be.

No need for the blue ribbon showmanship. We can forego the waterworks.
But if you’re still curious, and have a bottle of grapeseed oil handy, have I got a video for you.

Titus is a member of the class of 2011.

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